What I Know Today

Friday, May 28, 2010

three mothers, four generations

I caught some flack recently for not blogging lately. *ahem*. I can't say I have an exceptionally good reason for my lapse... I just haven't been blogging. I've been keeping myself busy with choir, dance rehearsal, and reading. I thought I'd take a minute to post a new picture for you all, and give you a little update on our family.

The picture I have posted above was taken on Mothers Day this year... all four generations on the maternal side of my family. Mothers Day, as always, was pretty low key this year. I'm sure people wondered how I was doing that day, given the death of our son in November, but I did ok. I find that I do well in the times when people would expect me to break down, and then break down at random times when it hits everyone out of the blue.... Except that I don't think I've ever been with anyone during one of my breakdowns, so many people think I don't have them. Well, they'd be wrong.

The pain of losing a child is deep, and I'm certain it will never leave me. I do my best during the day to stay strong for Jack's sake. My mind wanders to Henry frequently, but I will myself to think of the happy memories we had, and not about the last few days of his life. If I allow myself to reflect on those days, I feel myself sliding down a slippery slope of regret, self blame, and despair. It's not a pretty place, and deep in my heart I know that I am a good mother and did all I could for my son, however it is hard to not reexamine every little detail. Maybe if I had pushed harder here, maybe if I had taken this more seriously, maybe if I had prayed harder then. Maybe, maybe, maybe. In the end, those thoughts get me no where and serve no purpose so, as I said, I don't linger on them. I choose instead to focus on the wonderful days I had with my precious boy, the glory that beholds him now, and the day we will all be reunited again in God's kingdom.

Although there are many things to be sad about, there are also many things to give thanks for. Jack continues to blossom into an amazing little boy, and thrills all of us daily. He is so much like Henry, yet so different. It's amazing to see the similarities and contrasts as he grows. His vocabulary is expanding daily, and although he's clearly pushing his limits as well as any two year old would, he is also developing a softer side that allows for snuggle time and kisses that melt me. He is my saving grace.

The mister and I have been spending some time re-examining our diets in terms of what kinds of foods we are eating and where those foods are coming from. We've been transitioning to more whole foods and much less processed food. We've cut out soda entirely, as well as other artificially sweetened drinks and are moving towards more organic produce, dairy, etc. We're looking forward to the bounty of locally grown produce that comes with summer, and are visiting the first farmers market of the season tomorrow in Berlin and Princeton, WI. Jackie got a new haircut today, so we might have to take the camera along and make some stops for a few bloggy photo ops!

Stay tuned!


Chrissy D said...

Keeping you in my prayers, Sarah!!! (((HUGS)))

PBrown9624 said...

You are going through such a hard journey & I want you to know that I think of you often even though I don't "know" you. You are a strong woman. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
Keeping you in my prayers!
Hugs ~
Pam Brown

Diane S said...

Your strength is inspiring....

Liz said...


I'm a friend of Noelle's & I went looking for your blog today through her facebook page because my best friend from my hometown called me this morning to tell me the her other really close friend (who I'm friends with since we share a good friend) just woke up this morning to find her 2 year old son had drowned in their pool. I still don't have all the details of how this happened, but it is beyond tragic.

I'm feeling so, so sad & I'm so far away & can't do anything for her. I thought of you, obviously, and I came here today hoping to get some insight into just how awful she must be feeling. I honestly don't know how you go on after losing a child. You are inspiring & I love that you are trying to focus on the happy memories. As a friend of a friend, I know that I won't be much comfort, but do you have any advice that I can give to my friend as to what she can do to help her friend through this?

Gina said...

I just wanted to stop in a say Hi Sarah! And to let you know I think of you often.

My hubby and I are doing the same thing regarding our food. I just found out that we have a new farmer's market much closer to our house than the big one downtown, so we are trying to incorporate as much locally grown produce as we can. We have been making lots of changes on the food front.

Noelle Bolstad said...

Remember how I nearly fainted when I learned that you had neither coffee nor soda? Well guess WHAT? I still drink coffee ;-)...BUT I haven't had soda in daayyys. I'm re-evaluating a lot about our food and habits, too, and things are going well. That seems to go hand-in-hand with trying to create menus and plans, shop sales, use coupons, save money, blah blah blah. I've started buying organic whenever I can, and learning the foods that really SHOULD be bought organic and the ones that aren't as critical. Strawberries and potatoes, for example, are prone to absorbing high amounts of pesticides, and are better bought organic, or home-grown.

Can't wait to see Jack's haircut! The picture of the 4 of you on my bed is super cute ;-)

Love you!

Post a Comment

Thanks for stopping! I'd love to know what you're thinking, so leave me a comment already! ;)