What I Know Today

Our Very Own Elf On The Shelf

2011-12-19T22:36:00.000-06:00

Meet..... Legolas.

I know, I know. No long blonde hair, no miraculously full quiver of arrows, no hobbit to follow. But still, he's an elf, and therefore he shall be called Legolas. This is what happens when you marry a gamer nerd. Jack couldn't decide on a name, so we asked Papa for input. He made the suggestion, Jack (age 3, knowing nothing of the "real" Legolas) loved it, and so it stuck.

Jack's Aunt Sandie sent the Elf on the Shelf set for Jack and we received it today. He was thrilled, and couldn't wait to read the story. She also sent him the stuffed elf along with other elven goodies, and that stuffed elf was tucked firmly under Jack's arm and carried off to bed (his name is also Legolas, because Jack insisted they have the same name) where he and the boy are snuggling as I type.

I have seen several posts on Pinterest and from friends who have their own elf about what sort of mischief the elves can get into at night, but I dreamed this up all on my own. Jack loves Pez, so last night when Legolas went to the North Pole to report back to Santa, he returned with a new General Grievous Pez dispenser. He loaded the dispenser with one pack of Pez, then decided to chomp on a few himself before getting caught in the morning. Naughty little elf!

Do you have an elf on your shelf?

A Day In The North Woods

2011-10-09T22:19:00.000-05:00

So many of my entries on this blog have been about grief since we lost Henry. While that is understandable, the truth is that although a piece of my heart is gone from me, there is still a lot of living I need to do. I still struggle with some major separation anxiety when it comes to leaving Jack for any length of time (sometimes just leaving him with Papa so I can drive across town to visit my mom gives me anxiety). I tried to be brave and schedule a weekend away in Minneapolis to visit one of my best friends... a trip I took regularly and without thought before having kids... but I couldn't go through with it. Fortunately, God has blessed me with some pretty amazing friends, and this one in particular happens to have a family cottage in northern Wisconsin. He suggested we meet there for the day, and I accepted. I was relieved to have a day away, but still be close enough that I could rush home if something happened.

Maybe you're thinking that's crazy, but it's part of my process. And, let's face it. We're talking about Jack here. The kid who had to be life flighted to Milwaukee a month after his brother was because he fell with a toy in his mouth and did major throat damage. It was the same flight team that came for Henry. Exactly the same. Their faces turned ashen as soon as they rounded the corner in the hospital and saw us standing there. Or, more accurately, saw my husband standing there and me sitting near by in a wheel chair unable to breathe properly. I faint easily, and nothing brings on a spell like one of my babies in the hospital, so extra precautions are always taken.

At any rate, I spent the day up north yesterday and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I didn't dwell on being away from Jack. I trusted that he was in capable hands with his Papa and lived in the moment for the first time in a long time, and it was blissful.

My friend (Chris) and I spent some time at his family's cottage, had brunch, did a little shopping, a little driving, a little hiking, a little reflecting. It was perfect. He is always worried about not doing enough to entertain me when I visit, but it really was exactly the kind of day I needed.

Here is a photo I took of the road we traveled up as we approached the Cathedral Pines area in the Chequamegon-Nicolet National Forest. How gorgeous is that?

There is a sign as you enter the trail area that tells you this: "This area, called the 'Cathedral of Pines', was preserved as a result of the efforts of Lucy Rumsey Holt who influenced her husband, logger W.A. Holt, to leave it as virgin timber. Mrs. Holt used this area to teach Bible studies to her children and did not want the area disturbed. This 200 to 400 year old white pine and balsam old growth stand is also home to a Great blue heron rookery."

I am always in such awe when standing in the presence of history. To think that these pines are between 200 and 400 years old is amazing to me. I can't help but think about the different people who have crossed this same path and touched these same trees, and what their lives might have been like. How equally amazed would they have been if they could have seen me there yesterday snapping photos with my iPhone!

Speaking of iPhone's, did you know that your photo will look like this if you point it directly at the sun?

Yeah, me neither. :)

Just to give you an idea of the size of the pines, here's a photo of an unsuspecting Chris giving one a hug, and another I took at the base of that same tree looking up.

We crossed paths with two women at this point and took a picture for each other. Ignore my cute little pose. I just wanted to be short for once in my life. We were a little loopy with these women we'd never met before. If you know me at all, you'll know "loopy" is not a far stretch from reality for me. *wink*

After leaving the pines, we visited a small dam. I couldn't tell you how to get there or what the name of it was, but the lake was gorgeous with all the fallen leaves in the water:

Here is a shot looking the other direction (bottom of the dam, out towards the river):

Someone took the liberty to "decorate" the dam with silver spray paint. Seriously, don't even get me started. Lovely antecdotes, like, "JUMP!" spray painted at the top of the dam were scattered here and there. Although I don't condone this type of vandalism AT ALL, I thought the silver heart on this rock did make for an interesting picture...

Same river, a little farther downstream:

Back at the lake Chris's family's cottage is on, I was impressed by how clear the water is. Growing up on a larger lake that is mostly filled with greenish brown water and corporate waste, this was amazing to me. This was taken at the small boat landing area:

And this is the view they see from their back yard. The good life, to say the least.

Despite all the trials we have been through, I can honestly say that life, and the God we serve, is good. As someone far wiser than me (and anonymous) once said: "At the end of the day you can focus on what's tearing you apart, or what's holding you together." I'm trying my best to stay positive, and focus on what holds me together: God, and His blessings of family, friends, and nature. I feel more comfortable now with the idea of traveling farther from home (but will still take baby steps, I'm sure), and I think Papa is more comfortable with it, too. Jack was largely unphased through my absence, but isn't that always the way? The one you worry about the most is the one who seems to notice the least!

Working It Out

2011-10-07T23:42:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading another book about life and the grief process and thought I'd share it and a little story here since I haven't updated this blog in awhile. The book is called Working It Out by Abby Rike. Does anyone remember Abby from her season on The Biggest Loser? She was on the year Danny won, and was roomates with Shay - Season 8, which aired in the fall of 2009. I vividly remember watching the contestants introduce myself and her tear filled account of the accident that took the life of her husband, 5 year old daughter, and 18 day old son. I was heart broken for her and wondered to myself how she ever managed to move on from that experience. How she could move on from losing a child. Little did I know that before the season was over, I would be learning first hand.

After we lost Henry, Abby was one of the first people I thought of. I searched for her on Facebook and found the fan page that is run either by her or on her behalf and later posted a comment in the "death of a child" discussion area letting her know that she is in my prayers and thoughts regularly. I knew she had a book in the works, and was anxious to read it when it came out in May. Well, one thing led to another and me and reading didn't actually do too well together over the spring and summer. I've always been a book worm, but as Jack gets older and my daily window of free time gets smaller, I find I have time for only one hobby at a time and this year it was embroidery. I finally ordered the book a week or so ago and when it arrived, I finished it in a matter of days.

Sometimes, when I'm thinking about Henry and all that has happened to us, I am dead inside. I don't cry, I just feel empty. I have felt often that this feeling of emptiness makes me a bad mother. I should have some level of emotion, but it usually is not there. There are other times though that the emotions are so strong they are almost violent and they scare me to my core. It's a roller coaster in the truest sense, and it never ceases. Reading Abby's book, and seeing that she experienced the same types of highs and lows helped me to remember that I am normal. I am not a bad mother, I am not in denial. I am simply working through my emotions as they come to me, and that is enough. I in no way believe our situations were equal, but I do strongly believe that grief is grief, if that makes sense, and in that respect we are similar.

I also felt a deep connection with Abby because of how steadfast she has been in her faith through the last five years. When the doctor took my husband and I into the small conference room and sat down with us to tell us there was nothing more he could do, my first thought was not despair or destruction, but rather, I thanked the Lord that I was raised in faith. I thanked him silently as we sat there for blessing my life with a mother, grandparents, and great-grandparents who were all Christians and who went out of their way to ensure that I knew I was a child of God and that he would not forsake me. If it were not for that knowledge, that blessed assurance, I can honestly say I would not have been able to rise up out of that seat and walk out of that room under my own power. I swear to you with every fiber of my being that Jesus was in that room with us, and it was then that He carried me.

Abby wrote something in a journal entry two months after the accident that she shared in her book. It struck such a chord with me, I am going to share it here with you all, for I could have written these words myself.

What now? What do I do now? What plan does God have for me? If I have to suffer like this, then I want my life to matter. I want to know what I'm supposed to do. I want to know my plan. I am shattered and I'm trusting with childlike faith that God will put me back together again. This loss cannot be for naught.
~Abby Rike, December 3, 2006

I cried when I read that. And I don't mean those sweet little tears my grandma used to shed and discretely wipe away with a tissue. I mean I CRIED. I bawled. I gave a full on "ugly cry", as Oprah likes to call it. The topic was something I had often thought about, but never had the words to express until now. Instead of Why me? I have often felt What now? What am I to do with this lot in life? How can I use my experience to help others? I have put a lot of thought into bereavement counseling, but I'm not sure I'm up for more schooling with three unused degrees on the wall already. We've thought about fostering or adopting to help another child, but don't feel a strong draw to that calling either. I largely still feel like I'm floating in a vast ocean with no real direction as to where the dock may be. I have no specific goal other than my focus on raising Jack, preparing to educate him as a home schooling mom, caring for and loving my husband, and keeping our home up. I reach out to different areas and play them out in my mind, but nothing fits. Square pegs, round holes. I am almost morbidly drawn to history, bereavement, death, and dying, but how can I fit in there? Since losing Henry I have also developed a keen interest in heaven, health, and organized living, but again, I'm seeing no strong direction for my life. These are the answers I pray for.

Abby also spoke to my heart when she quoted passages from Job about the people who "sat in the ashes" with him. I have heard before from different people that our story is reminiscent of Job's story, but never took the time to think it through very well. Abby's stories about the love that surrounded her and the people who "sat in the ashes" with her - just being present without trying to offer advice or wisdom or ramble because they don't know any other way to fill the space - reminded me of the dear friends and family members we have been blessed with who did the same for us. It is truly humbling to think about.

Finally, Abby speaks about her experience on the Biggest Loser and her efforts to reach and maintain her goal weight - another topic near and dear to my heart. To say this book and this woman are an inspiration to me would be an understatement. I am not in the habit of building a library, and frequently pass books on to friends once I've finished them, but this copy of Working It Out is mine and will remain as such for a very long time. I hope you'll check it out. I think it will move you, regardless of your struggle.

If you could also take a moment to pray for Abby and her family this week, that would be wonderful. Thursday, October 13 marks the five year anniversary of the accident. I'm sure they can use all of the prayers they can get to help them through the upcoming days. For more information on Abby Rike, you can visit her personal website HERE. Check out her calendar and see if she's speaking near you. If she is, consider me jealous. I would love so much to meet her in person, but I have yet to figure out exactly how to make that happen. I will be praying about it, and if it's meant to be, I am confident God will find a way.

God bless,

P.S. Please pardon my lack of blogger knowledge. I can't get this post left justified for the life of me. Except for this post script, that is. Go figure.

Sidetracked

2011-08-07T09:15:00.000-05:00

I was busy on Friday getting the house ready for company, and had an obscene amount of dishes that needed washing. I have had two back to back colds/sore throats, so things had gotten a little out of control. And, since one of the many joys of owning an old (110+ years!) home is a lack of a dishwasher and no hope of getting one without a major renovation, well, I was in for a solid hour of washing.

Jack does pretty well (usually *ahem*) with entertaining himself if I need to do dishes or pick things up, but I tend to save these larger tasks for when he's in bed at night or at naptime. This time I was on a time crunch though, so there was no way around it. I needed to work and I needed an easy distraction. Enter the train wash:

Like any kid, Jack loves to play with bubbles. Whenever I do the dishes, he'll ask to grab a handful, and then usually claps his hands together and giggles while they shoot into the air and fall around him like snowflakes. I got tired of walking on a soap-sticky floor, so I encouranged him to "draw" with the bubbles on the island. On Friday, we introduced trains to the mix. He was enthralled for the duration of my dish washing adventure, continuously coming back for more bubbles as each of the four trains maneuvered in and around them. When we were all done, I rinsed and dried them, too, and to my knowledge they are none the worse for wear. Only one of the four had a battery operated light... had I noticed early enough we would have nixed that one {Proteus} from the party. Ah well. I'm just a mama, not a superhero. I can't catch *every*thing.

Our makeshift Sodor Engine Wash (with "Live Action Bubbles!" )...

See how happy Salty is? He got cleaned up, Jack got a solid hour of fun play with good imaginative and sensory applications, and I got the dishes done!

PEEP, PEEP! We are all really useful engines! hehe.

Heaven Is For Real

2011-08-02T11:50:00.000-05:00

I am not much of a book reviewer, and when I do share books with my readers I tend to do so on my craft blog, because I think of reading as a hobby and that is where I share all things related to my hobbies. But given the nature of this book and the nature of bereavement, I thought it seemed more appropriate to talk a bit here about it instead.

Heaven Is For Real by Todd Burpo is a short and sweet book that was gifted to me recently (well. semi-recently) by one of my girlfriends. She read it herself and knowing that I enjoy reading about first hand experiences with heaven - particularly since we lost Henry - thought it would bring me some comfort... and she was right.

For starters, I loved the book. I loved the story and the experience, and the fact that this family did not have to go through the experience of losing a child. Praise God for that! I enjoyed reading Colton's account of his visit to heaven and the comical way in which his dad related the stories as bits and pieces of the experience was revealed to them.

The struggle I have with this book (and others like it) is that it leans heavily on the fact that God answered their prayers and saved their child. While I am eternally grateful that He did that for ANY family, there is a part of me that always asks... why not mine? The book talks about how the family was prayerful and the church held special prayer vigils and so on and so forth and that collectively their voices reached God and their prayers were answered. Well, we prayed, too. When Henry was in the emergency room and I was kneeling at his bedside beside his little head because it was the only space in the room that was not occupied by a doctor, nurse, priest, or some other support staff, I prayed until I was on the verge of a black out from exhaustion, and then I was moved to my own bed where I lay with the hospital chaplain at my bedside and prayed some more. Our friends were praying, our families were praying, churches, strangers, even an entire village in Vietnam (true story) and many others we don't even know were holding prayer vigils for my boy.... but he still died. Our prayers weren't answered. As I read, I struggled more wondering why not. Because he (Todd Burpo) is a pastor? A better Christian? The right denomination? Does he know some secret way to pray that I don't? It's a slippery slope down this road, but it is hard to avoid in situations like this.

Of course the answer to those question is no. I am every bit the Christian that the Burpo's are, and Jesus loves me as equally as any other parent loves his children. He has no desire to hurt me or seek vengence on me or punish me in that way. He knows the prayers on my heart that haven't even reached my lips yet. He knows the future and the past and has a plan that ensures eternity for me - for us - for all His children. And part of that plan, for whatever reason, included taking Henry to heaven before I was ready to offer him up. I don't understand why, and maybe I never will, but I have faith in Jesus Christ and I have faith in the works of our Heavenly Father, and I hold those faiths close to my heart and they lift me when nothing else will. Afterall, faith isn't faith unless it's all you're holding on to.

Our family situation was unique in that both of our boys could have died without us ever knowing what killed them. My husband and I often speculate that if it had been Jack and not Henry who died, we may have never followed through with an autopsy. Babies die. It's an unfortunate reality, but it happens. Would we have been as alarmed if a baby had died as we were when a preschooler did? Or would it have been explained away as "one of those things" that happens but here is no explanation for. There is a very real possibility that we would have lost both of our boys if any one detail of our story had been different. Had the surgeon at Children's Hospital not persuaded us to have an autopsy done - something we were hesitant to do (he's been through enough, he was cut into enough when he was alive, no more...) we would have never diagnosed the XLA... never gotten Jack tested and diagnosed. Without a diagnosis and his monthly treatments, it was only a matter of time until Jack would have contracted a virus his little body couldn't fight off and in a matter of days he would have been gone, too. In taking Henry, we believe that God spared Jack. Would I love for Him to have spared both boys? Obviously. It goes without saying. But after having lost one child, I can't even imagine the horror of life that would have come had we lost both.

In the weeks before Henry's death, some interesting things happened with him. Nothing on the level of what happened to Colton, but interesting just the same. He started to speak of a man who was in the house at night who wasn't Papa. My husband thought it had been a friend of mine, or perhaps a repairman, but no males had been to the house. Henry was adament that the man had been there in his bedroom several times though. At the time, I chalked it up to an over active childhood imagination. After his death, I started to wonder if Jesus had visited my son. I don't know - I never will - but the thought brings me comfort, and it is not outside the realm of possibility for me. In the month or so before his death, I would open Henry's door most mornings to find a good share of his clothes - two dressers worth - strewn across his bedroom floor. The only explanation he had was that "the man" told him he needed to get ready, because he would be going on a trip. I also vividly remember one day, walking into his bedroom in the morning to wake him - it was quiet, so I assumed he must have still been sleeping - only to find him sitting in the rocking chair with his children's Bible open on his lap, studying every picture. What three year old does that voluntarily in a room full of his favorite toys? I sat down with him and told him the story of Noah and about Jesus and then we started our day. We always said that our kids assumed the personalities of the people they were named after and waking early to read the Bible only solidified that notion, as my Grandpa Hank (Henry's namesake) did it daily when he was alive.

Again, I'm not making any grand claims here - the book just brought a lot of thoughts, feelings, and memories to the foreground.

In regards to the book itself, what a wonderful depiction of Heaven! I wonder now who Henry met when he first got to heaven (besides Jesus, of course). I remember sitting in the hospital room with him at Childrens Hospital that Monday morning. In my heart, I believed he had died the night before and was no longer in that body. Everything was being kept "alive" artificially, but I knew he wasn't there and wasn't coming back. I still caressed him as if he was there and whispered his stories into his ear (he asked for the same three stories every night for over a year - by then I had them all memorized), kneeling again at his bedside, but I couldn't shake the feeling that he was somehow above us in the room, at peace, and looking down on us with love.

It was something I'd never felt before and never did again until this past May when my grandma was in the ICU after surgery to remove a small tumor on her lung. When it started to become apparent that she may not recover after the surgery, there was one night that I sat with her and distinctly felt the presence of someone else in the room and I couldn't shake the feeling that it was Henry. To make matters even more interesting, the following day my mom told me that grandma asked if my mom could see "that misty cloud" over grandma's bed. Was it Henry? Grandpa? Or a drug induced hallucination? I prefer to believe the former.

I've rambled quite a bit here and not really talked about the book much at all. Remember how I said I am not much of a book reviewer? Yeah. Now you know why. I am plagued by tangents. I get off on a stream of thought and the original topic is lost in the dust. I guess my best advice at this point would be to just read the book. It's an awesome story, and an awesome account of one child's brush with Christ. You will be moved, I guarantee it.

In closing I'll share this picture, a picture of Jesus. After his experience, Colton's parents shared pictures of Jesus with the boy, asking if that particular image was an accurate depiction of what Jesus looked like. They shared hundreds of different prints and paintings with the boy over the span of a few years and each time they did, Colton would tell them what was wrong with the picture. The hair was too long, or the nose wasn't right, or what have you. What it was about that particular painting or sculpture that didn't match the Jesus he saw in heaven. And then one day, his father showed him this painting titled Prince of Peace by Akiane Kramarik:

Colton replied (after a long moment of stunned silence), "that one's right." What makes it even more amazing is that this painting was done by a (then) 8 year old girl who also had visions of Heaven. A girl Colton had never met or even knew existed. You can read more about her story here.

Things that make you go hmmmmm....

God bless,

A Trip To The Zoo

2011-07-25T11:27:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago, Jack and I took a little trip to our local zoo. He's not too keen on noises or animals that make them, but we needed to get out of the house so we tried it. And it was fine. Mostly. He didn't really pay much attention to the animals, and the few he did see he really wasn't all that impressed with. He was more interested in sitting EVERYWHERE and trying to jump in the lagoon in the center of the zoo. I finally convinced him that that water was only for the animals, so that crisis was averted, but I couldn't get him to stop sitting on every flat surface he could find. For most kids, this would be a non-issue, but for us with Jack's immune deficiency, we worry about the bacteria he could pick up - especially at a zoo. Granted he gets his IvIG treatments and theoretically they will protect him for most of those, but having already lost one child, we can't help but be concerned and a little (ok, a lot) cautious.

It's not an easy thing to do... trying to balance concerns and risks while still letting Jack be a kid and have as many experiences of childhood as possible. It doesn't help that he is uncooperative and stubborn and independent. But I can hardly fault him for owning three of the most common traits in both of his parents, can I? *wink*

Here are a few pictures from our day. First, Jack sitting on the bench in the wolf viewing cabin. Note that the windows one would look through to actually see the wolves are behind him. There weren't any there that day, but I would be willing to bet it wouldn't have made a bit of difference.

Here we are sitting in a little area by the lagoon. This zoo was Henry's favorite place on earth. We visited it daily during Henry's second and third summer. Sometimes more than once a day. When we lost Henry, some of our good friends bought a memorial brick for Henry. You can see it in the photo below:

We used some of the memorial money we received for Henry to help get the turtle pond up and running again. I would always tell Henry about the turtles that had been in there when I was a little girl and how we'd watch them sunning themselves. Throughout Henry's little life, it was only a weedy overgrown area in need of work (and a new water pump). Despite the overgrowth and lack of life, Henry would pick a clover every day and toss it over the fence to feed the turtles. We saw a chipmunk run under some nearby evergreens one day, and after that he would always toss a clover in there, too, in case the chipmunks were hungry, too. Henry's heart was bigger than the moon - especially when it came to the animals.

One of Henry's favorite things to say was, "Be good to the aminals." He couldn't quite pronounce the word right, but it was so cute we never tried to correct him, and came to find ourselves pronouncing it the same way. We had it spelled correctly on the sign though, because we didn't want people to think it was a typo since we couldn't be there telling the stories and explaining the whole thing every time someone walked by.

In addition to the turtle pond, we also donated two large cement turtles for the kids to climb on. Here's Jack crawling up the little one...

We chose turtles because Henry loved this guy:

His name is Dash, and we sought him out on every visit. He wasn't always easy to find, but on this day with Jack he was right out on the path waiting for us. I told Jack all about Dash and about how much Henry loved him. I tried to get him to pet Dash's shell, again weighing bacteria against life experience in my head all along (when am I not?), but he would have none of it. This is as close as he got:

Today, as I'm typing, Jack is beside me saying, "Mama pet the turtle!" :) I don't know if that's a memory or a directive so he doesn't have to try it himself. hee hee.

It's hard to go back to these places that were so much a part of Henry's life, but it's all part of the healing process I guess. And, it helps me to remember that life does indeed go on. Jack has the whole world to explore. I just need to guide him through it, remind him of all the people (on earth and in heaven) who love him, teach him as he goes, and maybe every once in awhile let life experience trump potential bacterial issues and believe the doctors when they say it will be ok.

Henry's Fifth Birthday

2011-07-21T09:59:00.001-05:00

Each year since his death, we've had a small gathering of friends and family at the house on Henry's birthday. We have lunch and visit and then go to the cemetery for a balloon release. We also ask our guests to bring gifts that are then donated somewhere in Henry's name. Last year we asked for gifts from the humane society wishlist. This year, since Henry would have started kindergarten in the fall, we opted to collect gifts to donate to a kindergarten classroom. It just so happens that Henry's godmother is a kindergarten teacher, so choosing her classroom only seemed right. We collected lots of glue sticks and crayons and stickers, games, jump ropes, etc. It was an awesome day, and an awesome way to try to make the best of a sad situation.

Below you can see a photo of our balloon bouquet. We invited two friends who had also lost children, so I decided to have balloons to represent their angels as well. We released five orange balloons for Henry, two pink balloons for the twin daughters of one friend, and a blue balloon for the son of another. Everyone wrote messages on the balloons before we sent them to heaven.

And off they went (carefully, to avoid all those trees, of course!)....

Higher and higher....

There is nothing I can say to you (unless you are also a bereaved parent) that will make you understand the depth of loss and pain that comes with losing a child. It never ends, it never lessens. But small things like this balloon release help to lessen that pain in small ways, if even temporarily. I know those balloons don't actually go to heaven, but to think for a moment that something I am releasing is going straight to my boy makes my heart happy. And giving back to our community in his name, and seeing other people so willing and generous in their giving to do the same gives me a little comfort to know that he is not forgotten.

A Mother's Day Wish From Heaven

2011-05-08T15:19:00.001-05:00

A Mother's Day Wish From Heaven
By Jody Seilheimer

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

Party Like A Jedi

2011-03-28T11:48:00.004-05:00

My littlest boy turned three yesterday(!), and to celebrate we had a little "Yoda Party". Jack is very much his own person with a stubborness I have never seen before in any child (although if you ask my mother she may claim to have had one other experience with such a streak, but I have no idea what she is talking about). When grandma asked if we were going to eat before we opened gifts, I thought, yeah, right. Sure enough, as soon as the gifts started coming in, he was having a fit because he couldn't open them. If this first picture was a a video clip you'd be hearing "WHAZZINDERR? WHAZZINDERR??" over and over and over and over and, well, you get the picture....

How sad he looks while he stands guard to make sure no one takes his beloved Yoda bag (which, by the way, has become as much of a toy for him as the toys it contained). Jackie got lots of fun gifts, including some books we've been wanting (Llama, Llama, Red Pajama, and Oh, The Places You'll Go) and both LOVE, some Star Wars guys, clothes, a Star Wars chair, a Hot Wheels track, etc., etc., etc.... and this light saber from grandma. Never mind that that is one child. With six light sabers. He neeeeeeds them, don't you know?! We will soon be holding Jedi training for the block. Watch your mailbox for info... (heh.)

Here is a picture of our traditional cupcake tower. I cheated this year and bought these cupcakes rather than making them. I felt like a bad mom, but everyone lived through it so I guess it wasn't so bad. And, most importantly, Jack absolutely loved the "Darf Ader" cupcakes. He still carries that candle holder around with him (in the aforementioned Yoda bag) and thinks it's a toy. Remind me again why I buy this child expensive gifts when he's happy with a gift bag and a candle holder?!

His favorite part of the whole day, however, was NOT Darf Ader. It was NOT Yoda, nor even the gifts. It was all of us singing the Happy Birthday song. :) He demanded an encore. And then another. I'll bet it was the most curtain calls many of us - myself included - have ever gotten. We finally video taped it the third time around because he was so stinkin' cute the way he'd run around laughing and dancing and then clap at the end. I'll have to remember to share it once I get it uploaded to YouTube... Here we are with his godfather, Tod, clapping after the first round of song... Aaaaand here we are with our Star Wars hat (a.k.a. my table centerpiece). And what, you ask, is that underneath it? That would be his train shaped Easter basket. Because he thinks that - and just about everything else - is also a hat. This from the child that would NOT wear a hat for love nor money for a full two and half years (once he could reach it to pull it off). I also love this picture because I feel like it's a foreshadowing of photos I will see some twenty years from now after other parties where maybe a little too much fun was had.

Mama.... Where am I? What time is it? I had the craziest dream. There was all this singing, and all these light sabers and I think we demolished the dark side....

Yes, yes you did, little man....

Thank goodness the galaxy is safe once again!

Joy! Joy! Joy?

2011-02-22T13:07:00.004-06:00

Jack and I were watching a new show on Netflix on Demand (love that, by the way) today. I don't know the exact name of it, but it's something similar to Baby Einstein except with a Christian theme. This particular one was about the story of Jonah and the Whale (or "Big Fish" if you want to get technical, which they apparently do not). Most of the show is filled with instrumental music of songs that I remember from Sunday School, but at one point children start singing along to one, so I decided to sing along with them.

"I've got that joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart! Down in my heart, down in my heart!"

Jack loves when I sing, and tries to mimic me with words a few seconds too late and knee slaps a bit off beat, but he's so stinkin' cute those things don't even matter. He's smiling and laughing and I'm smiling and singing....

"...and I'm so haappy! So very haaaappy!....."

We're really on a roll here!

"....I've got the love of Je *sniff* s *sob* us in *sob*..."

Aaaaaand I can barely choke out that last sentence because I am bursting into tears. Jack looks at me like I have three heads and two of them just managed to spontaneously combust. Not only did I muff the song and further disrupt his knee-slapping, belly laughing fervor, I started *crying*! In a song about JOY!

HELLO, MAMA! We're singing about JOY here!! DuH! I can just read it on his face...

My little man does not realize yet that there are happy tears and sad tears. He doesn't understand the feeling that you are losing every single thing you love in the world, and the only thing you have to hold on to is that love of Jesus this very song sings about that is etched deep in your heart. He doesn't realize how very much that love means to you on your darkest days, nor how you're really not entirely sure you could survive without it. I remember the doctor coming in to tell us they had done all they could do for Henry. When he left, the first thing I said to my husband was "Thank God I was raised in Faith." Because I knew then that I needed the assurance of Jesus and His word to get me through that day, and every other day for the rest of my life.

I am grateful for the diligence of my mom and grandparents who insisted I attend worship every. single. week. (sometimes two or three times a week!) as a child and young adult. We lived in the country, and I can remember massive snow storms that my grandpa would drive through to get me to Sunday School, when even city kids were absent. God bless you, Grandpa. You didn't know it then, but every trip you took added up and you may have single handedly saved my life some thirty years later.

When we would ride in to town, I would sit next to Grandpa and sing to him for the duration of the whole 20 minute trip. I would be willing to bet that I even sang this song a dozen or more times. Who knew how it would define me all these years later? Grandpa always loved listening to me sing - he encouraged it. His favorite song for me to sing was "I'm in the Lord's Army (Yes, Sir!)" I still remember the whole (short) song, and it brings tears to my eyes to even think of it because he loved it that much. As a military man himself, I think he could relate to it. It said what needed to be said, and was short, direct, and to the point, much like himself. His least favorite song for me to sing was The First Noel. Because he said I was always off pitch on it. He was a military man and a painter by trade, but he couldn't sing a note so I blame his ear rather than my voice.

Ha. Kidding, Grandpa. Just kidding.

Anyhow, when you look at me, or read my blog, or hear me talk, and think, I just don't know how she does it... Remember this blog post. Remember Jesus. He is how I do it. He is my strength.

I may never march in the infantry, ride in the cavalry, shoot the artillery. I may never fly o'er the enemy, but I'm in the Lord's army. Yes Sir!...

Love and Laughter

2011-02-08T14:22:00.003-06:00

For those who don't know me and haven't heard the news, I'll admit it here: I have loved John Ritter my entire life. Some of my earliest memories include watching Three's Company with my mom, and although I didn't get most of the jokes and inuendos until years later, Jack and his antics had me rolling from day one. I was obsessed, and credit Mr. Ritter (along with my grandparents and mom who are all downright hilarious in their own right) with being much of my comedic inspiration in life. I have followed his career religiously, catching sitcoms, movies, and interviews whenever possible. The fact that I have a child named Jack is no coincidence. I was even watching a Three's Company marathon in the hospital while I was in labor with Henry. Laughter truly is the best medicine, and despite all I have been through, I still agree with that statement. That, and: sometimes you have to laugh just to keep from crying.

When I read about the release of this book, I knew I needed to read it. The last few chapters of the book hit closest to home as they detailed the events of the days surrounding John's death and then the emotions his wife faced afterwards. It's the first book I've ever read about grief and loss that I could have written myself. It's refreshing to me to read about other people who try to laugh and live through their pain. So many books I've read about bereaved parents talk about people who could not listen to music ever again, or could not bring themselves to laugh for at least ten years, etc. I will not judge them, because every grief process is different, but I truly felt like I was either defective or in denial. It turns out I am neither (the first being more debatable than the second). She spoke about how much heavier she felt after John's death. About how gravity seemed to have a greater pull on her, which is not unlike my post about The Weight of Grief. That alone gave me comfort. She went on to describe her grief process in ways that were nearly identical to mine. The trudging forward, despite wanting to curl up and cry. The days when we let ourselves do just that. The hope with which we look to the future, and ways we try to keep the memory of our loved ones - in her case a husband, in mine, a son - alive.

Amy wrote, "My life now is not what I expected when John and I fell in love. It's not what I intended, nor what I was creating. Gravity took the life I imagined and added its own spin. The struggle is accepting that fact and still finding beauty and meaning in what remains."

Amen, sister.

She also included in her book a portion of a letter that John wrote to his daughter Carly, two years (to the day) before he died. In it, he quotes Thornton Wilder's famous novel The Bridge Over St. Luis Re. In his letter, John was relating the quote to the attacks on the Word Trade Center (the letter was written the day of the attacks, September 11, 2001. He died two years later on September 11, 2003, which also happened to be his daughter Stella's fifth birthday). The excerpt reads:

But soon we will die, and all memories of those five will have left Earth, and we ourselves shall be loved for awhile and forgotten. But the love will have been enough; all those impulses of love return to the love that made them. Even memory is not necessary for love. There is a land of the living in a land of the dead and the bridge is love. The only survival, the only meaning.

Beautiful, isn't it?

I loved reading about John and his family. Like so many others, I always felt like he was a part of my own family. I was surprised to learn that he could not cook. *grin* I guess the naivete of childhood had engrained the idea of Jack Tripper going to cooking school equating to John Ritter learning as well. I love that his family has become so active in informing others about aortic aneurysms and dissection, even lending the family name to the "Ritter Rules", a list of guidelines about the disease. It reminds me in many ways of how active my husband has become in the world of primary immune deficiencies. The world has lost some precious boys here, but in their absense has gained advocates for some very worthy causes and hopefully in doing so has saved several other people from the same fate.

A Message To Heaven

2011-02-02T20:35:00.006-06:00

This past Sunday the family took a drive through the cemetery to visit our little man. Last year the snow in the cemetery was such that if you were creative, you could walk between the drifts and pretty much get from the road to the grave site on grass. This year we weren't quite so lucky. A nice, thick, evenly distributed, blanket of snow is covering the grounds and we weren't dressed for trudging through it. As we rounded the bend before coming up to his area, I noticed something in the snow. About ten feet long, there was a message written from someone to "Bruce", saying several sweet things including, "Thank you for loving me." Once we got to our area, I took my lead from that writer and left a message myself, on behalf of all who were in the van (Jack, Papa, Grandma, Great-Grandma): "We {heart} you, Bug".

I've often thought about you, my blog readers, and thought of things I can post here. Unfortunately my follow through hasn't been so great. We are now 15 months past Henry's death and it still seems like it was yesterday at times. I'm not sure that feeling will ever go away. The pain is still very fresh and very real and very constant. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel something - pain, remorse, guilt. I can't pinpoint any one thing that gets to me more than anything else, it just happens at random. I've been struggling with bitterness, and a general lack of empathy. These are both characteristics that are new to me and so different from the person I was before November 2, 2009. I'm not sure what to do with those feelings, so I pray about them. I pray that simple prayer that I have prayed nearly every day for 15 months - first about the saddness and desperation I was feeling. Then about the guilt. Now about the bitterness: Lord, please lift these feelings from my heart and help me find peace. Such a short little prayer, but a powerful one, and thankfully one that is responded to quickly. Those feelings are frequent but brief and I am grateful for that brevity.

I wonder about heaven a lot. What it is like, who we'll see there. I find myself seeking out literature about it - scriptures, stories, "eye-witness" accounts from folks who claim to have been there and returned to earth. All of it fascinates me. I'm a bit of a skeptic with the folks who say they've been there and back, but I don't discount their stories... I just don't pin my dreams on them, if that makes sense. Awhile back I was looking for some words of wisdom to share with a girlfriend who is also going through a grief process of her own after the sudden unexpected death of her mother, and I found this quote by Dwight L. Moody:

"Very often people come to me and say: "Mr. Moody, do you think we shall know each other in Heaven?" There is a verse in Scripture in answer to this, and that is: "We shall be satisfied." (Psalm 17:15). It is all I wanted to know. My brother who went up there the other day I shall see, because I shall be satisfied. We will see all those we loved on Earth up there, and if we loved them here, we will love them ten thousand times more when we meet them there."

I found comfort in this, and have carried it with me ever since that day. As I get older, and continue to grow in my faith (because let's face it, faith, like love, is a verb - an action word - continuously moving and growing, enveloping and developing), I realize more and more that this earth is not the end of my journey just as it was not the end of his. He is in heaven, and he is waiting for all of us who love him, and one day we will all be satisfied just as he is today. He doesn't know the pain of missing his mama, papa, "bee", and grandmas, just the anticipation and excitement as he awaits our arrival. What will be decades of life for us on earth will be only seconds to him in heaven before we are reunited again.

Until that day, I am here, and I am waking up every morning, and living the life God intended for me to live. I am taking care of my family and watching my baby boy (who is much more boy than baby these days) grow at an unprecedented rate of speed. We are nearing the end of our therapy with the wonderful "Birth to 3" therapists who have helped us over the last 16 months, and we couldn't be happier with the progress Jack has made. His vocabulary has exploded, and he is picking up new words and activities every single day. He knows his alphabet forward, backward, and sideways (which makes Aunt Julie the kindergarten teacher very proud because she will tell you that just because you can sing the song doesn't mean you know your alphabet.). He can identify the letters in any order right side up or upside down (which surprised us all!). He is counting from 1 - 13 unassisted, 13-29 with a little help. He loves to sing(!) and his favorite songs are the alphabet song, Old MacDonald, and Jingle Bells.

That last one makes my heart smile, because Jingle Bells was the only song Henry ever attempted (despite Old MacDonald being his all time favorite for me to sing while he chimed in with the animal noises). Henry would run up to a cat toy we have hanging on the door and shake it (there are bells on it) and sing, "Jingle bells, jingle bells, oh we have funnnnnn!!!!!!"

*smile*

Jack is obsessed with dinosaurs and can identify about 50 different types of dinosaur by name (and alternate name where applicable, as is the case with the Gravitholus who is also called Prenocephale, and Stenonychosaurus who is also known as Troodon... things I never thought I'd learn, much less teach my two year old). He loves puzzles and play time, and, and, and..... I could go on forever. He's quite the character, and we love him more than he'll probably ever know. We are so blessed to have him in our lives, and so grateful that in losing Henry we were able to save Jack. It is the bright and shiny silver lining to that very dark cloud.

Looking forward, I have purchased paint for Henry's bedroom to bring it from it's current bright yellow little boy nursery to a much more muted beige guest room. It is the bigger of our two bedrooms for the boys, but I'm not ready to move Jack into it yet. Not ready to open that door every morning expecting a face that is no longer looking back at me to be on the other side. Maybe some day, but not today. I will post pictures once that project is complete. Although I am sad to paint the room and convert it back, I know that keeping it untouched does not bring my boy back. And, truthfully, I regretted that bright yellow color choice from day one, so in that respect the change will be welcomed.

We also have a birthday party to plan in the not-too-distant future as Jack will turn three at the end of March. It looks like a dino party is in order, and we are already scheming to switch out his Raggedy Ann & Andy decor for some dinorific decorations as our gift to him.

I am also very proud of my husband who has been working diligently for months now on getting Henry's bedtime stories illustrated and published. The first book will be available soon in hardcover, and we are so excited about it - there aren't even words to express what this means to us, and especially to Papa whom Henry shared those stories with every night. Not only are we getting the stories out, but we are doing so in a way that will benefit other children with rare diseases. Click over to the Adventures of Henry website if you'd like to learn more or help great causes by ordering a copy or three. *wink*

Thank you, as always, for your continued thoughts and prayers. We are so grateful for the strong network of family and friends (both in person and online) that God has blessed us with.

God bless,

Top Ten Christmas Movies

2010-11-24T14:19:00.008-06:00

As the holidays approach, I feel compelled to share a list of the best Christmas movies of all time. By whose standards, you ask? Well, mine of course. I haven't done any research into which movies have gotten the best reviews or were the most widely broadcast or sold the most copies. All I can tell you is that I have watched every one of these movies oodles of times, and they are part of a great tapestry of traditions that will always make Christmas special for me. Some are popular, some are not. Some you probably didn't even know existed. All are worth watching at least once in your life. Maybe even twice.

Here they are, in no particular order:

The Christmas Gift

The Christmas Gift is a made-for-tv movie that was released during my childhood. My mom has always tried to catch as many of those tv Christmas movies as possible, and this one always stuck with me. The story revolves around a man (John Denver) and his daughter - his wife had recently died. He uproots what is left of the family and relocates them to the cutest little town. Man, how I longed to move to that town. Everyone knows everyone, there are sleigh rides down Main St., the whole town participates in the Christmas pageant. So quaint! I remember thinking that little girl (who happened to me my age) was soooo cool. I wanted to be just like her. :) You may also recognize the woman in the photo above. That's Jane Kazcmarek in one of her earliest roles. She plays Susan, the postmaster. Such a sweet movie.... and still getting aired on Lifetime as recently as last Christmas! I have easily watched this movie at least 200 times (no, that is not a typo - I had it recorded. Play, rewind, play, rewind, play rewind. Well, you get the picture. Check it out!

The Christmas Wish

Despite the fact that it has been around since 1998 or so, I just found The Christmas Wish last year. What drew me to it? Two words: Debbie Reynolds. She plays Neil Patrick Harris' grandma in a little story about finding out what's important in life. I've seen this one twice - both on tv last season. I'll definitely be looking for it again this year. You know, because it has some catching up to do with some of these other flicks.

Meet Me In St. Louis

Alright. I really don't consider this a true Christmas movie. BUT... there is snow. And there is a Christmas tree. And there is quite possibly one of the most idyllic Christmas songs of all time. You cannot watch Esther sing Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas to Tootie without getting a little nostolgic. It's just not possible. And for that, it makes my short list.

White Christmas

Folks, remember how I said that these were listed in no particular order? Well, it's true. Because if they were, this would be at the top of the list. White Christmas is my favorite Christmas movie. Perhaps even my favorite movie period. I have literally watched this hundreds of times. We could possibly be in the thousands by now. I have the entire script memorized, and I'm not even making that up. I spent hours upon hours watching this as a child. Play, rewind. Play, rewind. Play, rewind. Alllll weekend long. Every weekend. All year long. Until one day I rewound it and went to hit play and my grandpa, God love him, said, "If you put that G.D. movie in ONE MORE TIME I'm going to rip it out with my bare hands and destroy it!!!"

I cried.

Grandma laughed so hard she nearly peed.

As always, Grandpa won, and White Christmas went on hiatus for awhile, which in hindsight was ok because it gave me a chance to put some of these other ones on heavy repeat.

This photo cracks me up, because that little ballerina you see hides at the base of the Christmas tree while they sing their song, and then she stands up and starts dancing. For the longest time, I had no idea where she came from. I thought they dubbed her in. I had to rewind it and play it in slow motion to see that she was there at the bottom of the tree all along. D'oh.

Best Line: "When what's left of you gets around to what's left to be gotten what's left to be gotten won't be worth getting whatever it is you've got left!"

I actually pulled this one out today and popped it in. Jack (who, for the record is named after my aforementioned grandfather) started saying, "No! NO! NO!" as soon as it started.

*sigh*

Rest in peace, Grandpa. I took it out.

For now.

Ebbie

When I was a child, the only thing my mother watched more than Christmas movies was All My Children. I probably saw wayyy too much far before I should have, but that's kind of how it was back then. I don't think parents worried as much about what may or may not impact their child. Whatev. I turned out ok.... and have a strong appreciation for Susan Lucci. Love her! I remember the year she finally won her daytime emmy. I was in tears and woke my mother up who came running in to watch the acceptance speech. Ahh, the memories. Anyhow, as you can imagine, we grabbed any chance to see our diva on tv, and back then there really weren't many. Ebbie entered our lives and fast became a favorite. If you haven't seen it, it's really worth checking out. Kind of a modern day version of Ebenezer Scrooge. Cute, cute, cute.

Holiday Inn

If White Christmas is number one, Holiday Inn would be number two. They would be tied for first if this wasn't a black and white movie. I'm not a fan of black and white. Give me technicolor. Give me sparkles. But, hundreds of shades of gray aside, this one is a keeper. When Grandpa made me take out White Christmas, Holiday Inn promptly took its place. Play, rewind. Play, rewind. I knew it by heart. I wanted to be this Linda Carter character you see in this picture. I wanted to meet Bing Crosby. Until I found out he was mean to his kids in real life, but that's a very different, distinctly non-Christmasy post. I love the songs. I love the love triangle. I love the crazy guy in the hallway with the accent and the attitude: "How can I tell you which way is Connect-i-cut?!" I love the dress Linda wears for the Valentine's Day number. And as un-PC as it is, I love the black face number, too. So good!

Christmas Snow

Christmas Snow came out while Who's The Boss was popular. I'd lay money on the fact that I watched it simply because Mona (Kathryn Helmond) was in it. I don't have a recording of this, and havent' seen it in the December tv listings for some time, though I search for it every year. I love it though... and love it even more now that I just realized that little girl is Melissa Joan Hart. Who knew?! She (her character) was afraid of Amelia Bedelia. Hee hee. I don't remember much about the plot, but I can tell you that if you find it you won't be disappointed!

A Smoky Mountain Christmas

Oh, Dolly... How I love thee. I could seriously listen to her talk for hours. Weeks. YEARS. And Lee Majors? Hello. As Phoebe Buffet would say, "Lee Majors is hot." You know, in that scruffy old guy kind of way. Not unlike Tom Selleck, but I digress.

Anyhow, yeah.

Shake it off, Sarah.

Super sweet movie with orphans and cabins and spells and a mean witchy women on a horse. What more could you ask for?

Santa Claus: The Movie

I wonder who decided to cast the shortest actor on the planet as an elf? Genius!!

Poor Patch... he tries so hard to do what's right, but he gets caught up with a bad bunch of misers and it all turns south. Isn't that always the way though?

I credit this movie with putting the color peuce on the map. What is peuce? Watch the movie and find out!

And last, but certainly not least....

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

First of all, let me say that this is the best scene in the entire movie. Squirrel in the Christmas tree? Classic. Because that could really happen. Seriously! Probably wouldn't be quite as funny in my living room, but still...

And who doesn't love the Griswold's? Or, for that matter, Chevy Chase? I seriously wracked my brain to try to figure out if there was enough Christmas-y material in his movie Funny Farm to warrant adding it to my list (sadly, no, but still an excellent movie.... lamb fries?! Hello!).

There you have it, friends. Your holiday television/dvd to do list.

And no, A Christmas Story did not make my list. Maybe because it is the worst Christmas movie ever created. Because it really, really is. I know people love it, but I just don't get it. It's ok though - I'm sure some of you are looking at this list wondering what I've been smoking, too. And I'm ok with that, because I love my movies and my traditions, and wouldn't trade them for the world.... or a floor lamp wearing fishnet stockings.

To Write Love On Her Arms

2010-11-12T11:32:00.006-06:00

For those who don't know, TWLOHA is a kind of grassroots movement that has been gaining ground in recent years. I've never participated before, but there is no time like the present, so I thought I'd share here as I am also trying to be a better blogger, believe it or not.

If you check out the TWLOHA website, you will learn that this non-profit movement is dedicated to people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. It exists to "encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery."

Thankfully, I have not yet had to struggle through these things myself, but like many (all?) of us, I have a friend or two who have been there and my heart broke for them. Today I am writing on my arms (well, one arm, because let's face it... writing with my left hand on my right arm would soooo not work out. I am many things, but ambidextrous is not one of them.) in honor of one friend in particular.

She is a beautiful person, and is like a sister to me. She is one of the few people in this world that I can absolutely and totally be myself with. She is one of the first people I call when my life is falling to crap, and one of the greatest inspirations in my life. Her life has not always been easy, but she has always found a way. There has been grief, and depression, and the tell tale raised skin on the inside of her wrist that will always represent the pain of her past and the healing process that will take her into her future. She is still here with us though - still finding a way in this big world, and still in the process of fully believing that she was fearfully and beautifully made by God and is not only an intricate part of his plan, but is loved by hundreds and has touched lives with every step of her journey. We would be lost without her, and thank GOD for placing her in our circle.

Ich Liebe Dich, Jemima Puddleduck.

P.S. If you saw this in reader, and are seeing two posts. No comment. *blush* It was late, and there was a very important typo that needed to be corrected! Oye. Let this be a lesson to me - I should not blog OR write on my arm at 12:30 am after a few glasses of wine.

There Is No Power In Intention

2010-11-10T13:53:00.003-06:00

A few weeks ago, a friend recommended that I read the book The Noticer, by Andy Andrews. I had never heard of the author or the book, but did a quick google search and was intrigued by the description so I put it on hold at the library. I'm now three quarters of the way through it, and have found something that spoke to me enough to have me thinking about it for three whole days, so I thought I'd blog about it, too.

The book basically centers around an old man named Jones, and the interactions he has with different people in the community. Jones is a "noticer," meaning he notices things that others don't. He helps them see things from a new perspective. In one of these interactions, he is speaking to a man about how to change his life for the better. He asks, "Five seagulls are sitting on a dock. One of them decides to fly away. How many seagulls are left?"

Go ahead, answer the question...

The man said four. I thought four as I was reading it, and chances are you did, too. Turns out we're all wrong.

"No," Jones responded. "There are still five. Deciding to fly away and actually flying away are two very different things."

Think about that for a minute. How many times in life have we commited to something, whether in our minds or verbally, but never followed through?

I intend to eat better and exercise more so I can reach my goal weight.
I intend to take the time to learn to speak German, the language of my ancestors.
I intend to focus on my faith and be a better Christian role model for my friends and family.
I intend to explore the possibility of becoming an author to tell our story in hopes of helping another family avoid the tragedy of undiagnosed disease.

These are just a few of the intentions that have crossed my mind in the past year (in no particular order). The author goes on to state that there is "no difference between the person who intends to do things differently and the one who never thinks about it in the first place."

That's a powerful statement. We all want to do good and be good. We think about the things we can do to help ourselves and our family. We think about reaching out to people in need. We intend to be the best person we can possibly be... but how often do we follow through? It's so easy for life to get in the way and when it does, so many of those intentions fall by the wayside.

I was going to, but I just ran out of time.

It makes my head hurt to think about all of the intentions I've had over the years that fell to the side to make room for other things - some of which were never intended and certainly not productive or beneficial to myself anyone around me.

And as if that's not enough to think about, the author concludes the paragraph by saying, "Have you ever considered how often we judge ourselves by our intentions while we judge others by their actions?"

Think about that for a minute.

I don't know about you, but I've been guilty of this. I'll see someone, for example, who is over weight eating something that is obviously not good for them, and sometimes will feel pity. Look at that! No wonder she looks that way! Or disgust... Why is she doing that to herself? How dumb do you have to be to choose a box of ho-ho's instead of a healthy meal?

And then I take my break at work and grab a diet soda and two donuts on my way upstairs.

What.

No, no, no, it's ok for me to do that, because, see, I usually watch what I'm eating, and I intend on getting to my goal weight! I joined the gym, and intend to work out three times a week! I've already gone twice in the three weeks I've been a member! It's ok, really!

Umm, NOT.

This of course is a bit of an exaggerated scenario, but you get what I'm saying. Going forward, I intend to follow through more. Perhaps not try to fill my plate so full of intentions, so that more of them can actually stick and come to fruition. Focus on the things that are important, and clear away the clutter of things that truly don't matter.

Thanks for the new perspective, Jones.

November Mourning

2010-11-01T13:10:00.007-05:00

One year ago today, my little boy was laying on the couch nursing a virus. Little did we know that in eight short hours he would, for all intents and purposes, be gone. I took him to the hospital that Sunday night, and I was there when he started to slip out of consciousness. I remember thinking he was just tired, and was having trouble staying awake. I thought the illness may have been making him delusional, so I asked him a few questions....

"Who am I?"

"Mum."

"What is your brothers name?"

"Zack." (he always had troubles with the J part of Jack)

"Ok baby, close your eyes and get some sleep. I love you."

And that was it. He closed his eyes, and although several doctors at two different hospitals tried for hours to bring him back, he never opened those beautiful bright blue eyes again. We finally succumbed to the truth around noon the following day, and unplugged all of the machines that were keeping him alive.

The photo above was taken post mortem by the hospital photographer at Children's Hospital of Wisconsin. He did about five different shots of us holding Henry's hands and feet, kissing his forehead, and of Henry holding a few favorite toys. I had them all framed for my mom, and the frame hangs in Henry's bedroom at her house. A few weeks ago Jack pointed to the photos and said, "Baby Jesus?" I think he thought the photos were of baby Jesus, but maybe his innocent eyes could literally see Jesus in the pictures, holding us close while we tried to pick up the pieces of our life and leave that room, knowing we'd be going home with an empty car seat that would never again be filled with the same bright and beautiful spirited little boy. It has been a year, and I still have a hard time comprehending the weight of it all.

The last year has been a blur. Time moved quickly, and for that I am grateful. There are still days that I have to force myself out of bed in the morning, but I do, because there is still a little bundle of energy here on earth who needs me, and I owe it to him to be the best mama I can be. I am determined to give him a good life, despite the emptiness I feel inside. Of course my heart is full of love for Jack - how could it not be. The problem is that ever since Henry's death, I feel as if my heart is missing. I feel as if there is a hole in side of me that never closes. If you think about the old Wile E. Coyote cartoons, there was an episode where the Road Runner shot a canon at him, and the cannon ball went right through him, leaving a big open circle where his chest used to be. He didn't die, or even fall down. He tilted his head down and peered through the hole, and then just continued on with his business. That's exactly how I feel - literally as though a significant part of me was blown away a year ago and yet I don't die. I just keep walking around. It's really quite surreal.

There have been a lot of changes in the last year. Death is an interesting thing, in that it takes your world and, like a snow globe, turns it upside down and shakes the daylights out of it, so that all of the little bits around you are upturned and float down in a different order. There are hobbies that I used to define myself by that in the last year I have had absolutely no interest in. I figure they settled on the bottom of the snow pile when all of the little snow-like pieces of my life started dropping down around me again. They used to be on top - important - and now they are so far down I don't even realize they are still there. New things have settled on top. Running, patience, cooking & baking, fitness, and healthy living.

I have never been a runner. Not even as a child. When all of my friends were running in the park or in the yard, I was in the sandbox. If people were playing a game that involved running, I politely excused myself. I didn't run. Ever. For reasons that I really can not even explain to this day, I decided to start training for a 5K in May. I ran my first 5K the last weekend of July, and my second in August. I now have my sights set on a 5 mile Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving Day, another 5K through the snow in December, and a duathlon in 2011.

Why? Well, the best I can tell you is because Henry can't. There are so many things in life that he didn't get to experience. How could I in good conscience sit on the couch and let all of them slip by when I'm capable of enjoying them? It just doesn't make sense. How easy it would be for me to curl up into a ball and throw my hands up in surrender to all of this! You would be shocked if you could fully comprehend what a fine line I walk between sanity and surrender. But every day I crawl out of bed and pray to God for the strength I need to get through that day. One day at a time (as a very wise woman once said). When all of my emotions start crashing down around me, I close my eyes and pray to God, asking him to lift this (insert thought/feeling/guilt/etc. here) from my heart and help me to survive. Thankfully, He does. Every. Single. Time.

There are days when I have to say that same prayer a hundred times, and some when it's only needed once or twice, but without fail I can feel God's presence and power in my life, and for that I am grateful. I can actually remember one of my first thoughts when we found out that we could not save Henry. I thought, thank GOD that I was raised in faith because I don't know I how I would live through this without Jesus. I was reminded of that again a few days ago when I was reading a book about a boy who was in a terrible car accident and the mother presumed he was dead. Her first thought as she got in the car and headed for their Children's Hospital was something to the effect of... he is Yours Lord, and if You need him You can take him, but You have to give me the strength to get through it if You do.

Amen, sister.

Since Henry's death, there are some things that I can not do. I can not re-visit that weekend. I can not focus on all of the mistakes that were made by our doctors, nor the things that were overlooked through his short life. I can not look at medical records, or bills from those days, stand in the presence of a med flight team in uniform, or get too close to the local hospital that we lost him at. When I do, I feel as though the sides of that hole I described above lose their strength and my whole body starts to cave in on itself. Ironically, these are all the things (with the exception of getting too close to the hospital) that my husband's healing process has thrived on. I have always said that we walk separate grief paths, but hold hands across the middle on our journey. His process is just that - his process. I can't go there. I can't even come close. He occasionally will try to talk to me about something and all I can bring myself to do is raise my hand as if to say, "stop" and shake my head from side. The other day, I was reading some quotes and poems, looking for something to use in our local paper to for a memorial and I found this on one woman's website. I could have easily written most of this myself, and hope it will help give you a better idea of where I am and where I'm going (I deleted a few sentences that didn't apply to me):

Life is a Simple Walk in the Woods-

I was always told that the 'first year' would be the hardest. I set my sights on surviving through the first anniversary of Ross' death, telling myself that it would all be downhill from there. If I could just keep going long enough to scale that summit!

I was also told that my husband and I would not walk the same path. We started out fine, trudging through the woods, holding hands, telling ourselves that we've been through sixteen years together, we'd be just fine. His path slowly led away from me, but seemed to run parallel for a time - I'd catch a glimpse of him in the woods every once-in-a-while. All of a sudden, his path would cross mine. I'd reach the top of a steep hill and he'd be standing there in my way! More than once, I've had to shove him into the weeds so that I could continue on my journey.

Well, then came that fateful First Anniversary. I scaled that mountain! I sat on the very top of that enormous peak, congratulating myself on a job well-done. My husband was nowhere to be seen, I sat there all alone with my pile of Mickey Mouse clothes, little metal cars, well-meaning friends. I had done it! It was incredibly hard work, insurmountable at times, but here I was - still alive, without my child!

Without my child! I felt my heart grow cold as I surveyed the path ahead - the rest of my life. The terrain was just as treacherous as the past twelve months!

I sat on that peak for quite sometime. I hugged all my son's treasures that I carried with me, his precious memory warmed my cold, cold heart, and I searched for any other movement in the valley below. In the distance, I could see other peaks along my path, some maybe as tall as where I sat. I also began to see tiny clearings where the sun was shining. As my tears slowed, I became aware of other paths winding through the landscape - hundreds of them - each belonging to a different parent. I carefully packed my treasures in my heart, neatly so that none would break, and started running down the hill, headlong into the second year of forever.

Peg Rousar-Thompson
In memory of Ross...

Another thing I want to address here is for all of you who think about Henry and then wonder whether or not you should tell me. Please, please, do. It may bring back memories that come with tears, but don't let that stop you. Don't be afraid that you might hurt me. It sounds bad, but I hurt either way. It warms my heart to know that others are thinking of him or dreaming of him or writing stories about him or lighting candles for him. It may bring tears, but please know that the good far outweighs the bad in those situations and keep sharing.

The question I am asked most often (besides, "how are you doing?" of course) is whether or not we are planning on having more children. I thought I'd mention that here, too, because I'm guessing that those of you who haven't asked wonder from time to time as well. All I can tell you is that we are open to the plans God has for us. I'm not pregnant, but we're not doing anything to prevent it either (is that tmi?). We are also not entirely closed off to the idea of adopting or fostering if a situation presents itself. And, having said all of that, we are also open to the idea of living out the rest of our years as Mum and Pa to no more than the two sweet boys we've already been blessed with. There is a possibility that if we had another boy, he too would have agammaglobulenemia like Jack and Henry (or a girl could be a carrier), but we are prepared for that as well.

A few paragraphs back I noted all of the things I cannot do. I'd like to close with all of the things I CAN do and end on a positive note.

I can remember Henry with love and laughter.
I can keep the promise that I made to him at his funeral, and laugh some every single day.

I can be the best mama my boys could ever ask for.

I can go on living despite the greatest loss a parent could know.

I can use my intimate knowledge of grief to help others deal with their own bereavement process.
I can do anything I set my mind to, because I truly am surrounded by angels every step of the way, one of which has some of the most beautiful bright blue eyes you'll ever see.

Love to all who've supported us this past year. You will never fully comprehend the impact you've had on our lives, and we are eternally grateful that God has blessed us with each and every one of you.

In Him,
Sarah

My I Love You

2010-10-19T23:05:00.002-05:00

My I Love You

by Maryann Cusimano Love

I am your parent; you are my child.

I am your quiet place; you are my wild.

I am your calm face; you are my giggle.

I am your wait; you are my wiggle.

I am your carriage ride; you are my king.

I am your push; you are my swing.

I am your audience; you are my clown.

I am your London Bridge; you are my falling down.

I am your carrot sticks; you are my licorice.

I am your dandelion; you are my first wish.

I am your water wings; you are my deep.

I am your open arms; you are my running leap.

I am your way home; you are my new path.

I am your dry towel; you are my wet bath.

I am your dinner; you are my chocolate cake.

I am your bedtime; you are my wide awake.

I am your finish line; you are my race.

I am your praying hands; you are my saying grace.

I am your favorite book; you are my new lines.

I am your night-light; you are my starshine.

I am your lullaby; you are my peekaboo.

I am your good-night kiss; you are my I love you.

Walk For Hope

2010-08-15T08:52:00.002-05:00

Here are a few photos of the 2010 (first annual!) Walk For Hope that we participated in this weekend, in memory of Henry. It was a great event organized and sponsored by a family who lost their little girl. Being the first year, there were some organizational glitches, but it just made us want to help more in the future to make this event a great success.

Enjoy the pics, and thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers for our family.

Blessings,

reflecting

2010-07-29T23:32:00.003-05:00

I just thought I'd take a minute to blog over here since it has been awhile. I've posted a few recipes on my craft blog in the past few weeks, so if you haven't been keeping up over there be sure to take a peek! I have oodles of recipes that I've clipped from different magazines and publications and enjoy trying new ones. We've been having a bake sale at church every weekend as part of our city's farmer's market, so that has been keeping me busy in the kitchen... and it's a good thing, because I typically just try one piece and then send the rest off before I'm tempted to eat more!

Life has been crazy busy lately, but if you ask me exactly what it is that's keeping us busy I couldn't pinpoint anything major. Just the day to day stuff, and keeping up with Jack (whom you see giving you his best, most beautiful smile above! This is a typical scene - smiles and as many toys as we can carry at one time. :) ). Our little boy is quite the handful, and so different from his big brother. Always on the go! Of course we all still miss Henry and think of him daily. My desktop image is a favorite photo of him, and I have a snapshot next to the light on my night stand. I say good morning and good night to him every day, and remind him that I love him. He had three favorite bedtime stories, and I tell one or all of them to Jack every night because I think Henry can hear me, too. Sometimes I sit at the cemetary and tell them to his grave - I have them memorized, you know. I know all about what happens if you give a moose a muffin. And I also can tell you exactly how that duck got stuck in the muck down by the "beep bween mawsh" (i.e. deep green marsh), as Henry used to say. Not to mention how to use your nose to find things to smell (your beak or your snuffle can work just as well)! I can't get past the feeling that this - life - is not how it was meant to be, despite my core belief that everything is a part of His master plan. It's quite the paradox of emotions. *sigh*

Darrin and I have worked hard to keep Henry alive in Jack's memory. We show him photos and videos regularly, and Henry is often a part of daily conversation. You like Spiderman? Your brother loved Spiderman! That's something you have in common! Jack will look at the photos on our buffet and point to his brother and say, "N-er!", which is his take on "Henry". :) If you ask Jack what his name is, he will say, "Bee!"... a nick-name Henry gave him when he was born. Then we say, "Or?" and he says, "Zack!" (i.e. Jack). If we ask him where his brother is, he will simply point up to Heaven. It warms and breaks my heart, all at the same time.

We are still in the process of choosing a headstone for Henry. And by "we", I pretty much mean me. I have thought long and hard about this, and Darrin and I have discussed all of the options I like (which thankfully he likes, too), but I still cannot commit to one. I tell myself that it's because I want to make sure it's perfect. I look at it like a tattoo. Once you get it, you have it forever (note: it was about eight years between idea and commitment on my tattoo. I like to think things through.). But I wonder if maybe my delay is because that one final act will make everything official... you know, as if it's not already. We are leaning towards a beautiful memorial marker that is a mirage of photos of our boy, but I occasionally go back to the thought of a simple marker that is unassuming and reserved. Because if my boy were given the chance to grow to manhood, I believe that is how he would have been. He would have been humble and sweet and reserved. I could tell all of that in the short time we had him. Maybe a mother just knows? He was so much like his great-grandfather (his namesake). Such an old soul. And maybe that was a gift from God... allowing us to look into those eyes and see so much more than this three years. I don't know, but I like to think so.

I still don't understand why all of this happened, and I'm doubtful that I ever will. But I continue to push forward - probably with more gusto than ever, because I feel him with me, encouraging me, driving me, forcing me to be the mum that he saw rather than the one I really was. Because our children do not see what we see. They see all the good. They see someone who makes the sun rise and set, and they think she is almost mythical. If I can live up to a fraction of the worth he saw in me, that Jack sees in me, I'll consider myself a success.

Until next time,

Happy Birthday, Sweet Boy

2010-07-10T23:14:00.003-05:00

June 23 marked Henry's fourth birthday. Hubby and I went back and forth about what to do to remember the day, and finally decided to spend the day with close friends and family. We had a small birthday party, and asked everyone to bring a gift from the Oshkosh Area Humane Society wishlist. All of the gifts, which included huge bags of puppy chow, cans of cat food, peanut butter, kitty litter, over $50 in gift cards, chewy bones for dogs, toys, etc., were donated in Henry's name.

If you are a regular follower of my blog, you know how much my little boy loved animals. I thought this would be an appropriate way to honor him and also help take care of the little critters he (and I - he totally got that from me!) loved so much. My mother believes that Henry is working with Noah in heaven. I like to think he's the right hand man of St. Francis of Assisi (the patron saint of animals). I don't know why I gravitate to St. Francis. I'm not catholic. I really don't know much about the saints. But for some reason this idea hit me with so much clarity on the day of his funeral that I've never been able to forget it. To this day, statues or pictures of St. Francis bring me a great deal of peace. Either way, we know he was smiling that day, knowing he continues to help the "aminals".

After lunch and laughter and memories, we all headed out to the cematary where we released four orange balloons - his favorite color. Prior to releasing, we each wrote a message to Henry on the balloons and then sent them up to heaven. It was a beautiful day. Similar to the image of Henry working with St. Francis, very early on in this whole process I very clearly saw myself (I don't even remember if it was a dream or a vision or what) entering Heaven. When I did, Henry met me and he was holding on to oodles of orange balloons. He had collected all of the ones we released as they floated up to him...

I don't get these visions often, but when I do I thank God for giving me little pieces of my boy to hold on to. I've dreamt about Henry three times since November 2. In the first dream, we were at a zoo, and he was standing up ahead of me, watching ducks and geese swim in a pond. I called to him, and he turned and the joy on his face when he saw me was truly amazing. He ran into my arms and I scooped him up and held him tight until I woke up. In the second, I don't remember details, only the overwhelming sense that he was with me and he was happy. In the third, about a week ago, I dreamed that the hospital called and told me that it had all been a misunderstanding and that I could come and pick him up and bring him home. It was so real... Once we got him home, we realized that his speech had regressed, but he still knew all of his animal sounds. Go figure. And the duck still said "ba-da-boooo!"* :) That last one still makes me cry, because I'm sure you all know how much I wish it were real. Unfortunately, it's not. But I am confident that he is happy, and safe, and waiting for us with open arms.... and a lot of orange balloons.

* The first cartoon Henry fell in love with was Jakers. In one episode Dannon, the duck, yells, "STAMPEDE!" and for whatever reason, a very young Henry repeated her by yelling, "BA-DA-BOOOOOOOO!" (LOL!). Every time we watched it, Dannon would yell and Henry would echo. From that day (at about 16 mos old) until he was almost 3, when asked what a duck said the answer was always "badaboo!"

packer backer in training

2010-06-18T14:26:00.004-05:00

"Hey, Jack! You get to go to Green Bay today and see Lambeau Field!!"

Doesn't he look excited?!

"Hey, Jack! Wanna go to Soldier Field instead?"

Yeah, I thought not.

So, off we went to Green Bay. We had to take my uncle back to the airport, and took in a few stores while we were in town. Our final destination was the Packer Pro Shop, where we found a new winter hat for the little guy...

I'm telling you, had he actually kept the thing on, he probably would own it today. Because I'm just that mean. Heh.

After our shopping excursion, we decided to have lunch right at Lambeau at Curly's Pub. Ahh, nothing says football like crappy service and inflated prices. The food was yummy (highly recommend the "Chicken Booyah" soup. Yum!), but that's about all I can say for the place. I'm pretty sure they are under the impression that people will keep them in business solely because of their location inside the stadium so they needn't try to exert themselves with customer service. Like I said though, it was good food and excellent company, so we left happy.

It was also Jack's first experience with a booster seat instead of a high chair:

We were seated at a high table, so the chairs were a good three feet off the ground, and Jack was a total wiggle worm so my uncle sacrificed his belt to help control the situation. :) He got it back a little worse for wear (think greasy little fingers that like to explore), but it served its purpose!

Finally, here's a pic of my grandma and uncle together. Awwww...
We love you, Uncle Donnie!

three mothers, four generations

2010-05-28T21:52:00.002-05:00

I caught some flack recently for not blogging lately. *ahem*. I can't say I have an exceptionally good reason for my lapse... I just haven't been blogging. I've been keeping myself busy with choir, dance rehearsal, and reading. I thought I'd take a minute to post a new picture for you all, and give you a little update on our family.

The picture I have posted above was taken on Mothers Day this year... all four generations on the maternal side of my family. Mothers Day, as always, was pretty low key this year. I'm sure people wondered how I was doing that day, given the death of our son in November, but I did ok. I find that I do well in the times when people would expect me to break down, and then break down at random times when it hits everyone out of the blue.... Except that I don't think I've ever been with anyone during one of my breakdowns, so many people think I don't have them. Well, they'd be wrong.

The pain of losing a child is deep, and I'm certain it will never leave me. I do my best during the day to stay strong for Jack's sake. My mind wanders to Henry frequently, but I will myself to think of the happy memories we had, and not about the last few days of his life. If I allow myself to reflect on those days, I feel myself sliding down a slippery slope of regret, self blame, and despair. It's not a pretty place, and deep in my heart I know that I am a good mother and did all I could for my son, however it is hard to not reexamine every little detail. Maybe if I had pushed harder here, maybe if I had taken this more seriously, maybe if I had prayed harder then. Maybe, maybe, maybe. In the end, those thoughts get me no where and serve no purpose so, as I said, I don't linger on them. I choose instead to focus on the wonderful days I had with my precious boy, the glory that beholds him now, and the day we will all be reunited again in God's kingdom.

Although there are many things to be sad about, there are also many things to give thanks for. Jack continues to blossom into an amazing little boy, and thrills all of us daily. He is so much like Henry, yet so different. It's amazing to see the similarities and contrasts as he grows. His vocabulary is expanding daily, and although he's clearly pushing his limits as well as any two year old would, he is also developing a softer side that allows for snuggle time and kisses that melt me. He is my saving grace.

The mister and I have been spending some time re-examining our diets in terms of what kinds of foods we are eating and where those foods are coming from. We've been transitioning to more whole foods and much less processed food. We've cut out soda entirely, as well as other artificially sweetened drinks and are moving towards more organic produce, dairy, etc. We're looking forward to the bounty of locally grown produce that comes with summer, and are visiting the first farmers market of the season tomorrow in Berlin and Princeton, WI. Jackie got a new haircut today, so we might have to take the camera along and make some stops for a few bloggy photo ops!

Stay tuned!

my mom is a survivor

2010-03-09T08:25:00.003-06:00

My mom is a survivor,
Or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night,
When all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night,
And go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I"m with her
To help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
That never wash away -
I watch over my mom
Who thinks of me each day

She wears a smile for others,
A smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's doors I see
Tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows

It is her way to survive.

As I watch over my mom

Through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
Protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her...
Or ease the burden that she bears
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
And show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...
No matter what she feels,

My mom has a broken heart

That time will have to heal.

~Author Unknown

pearls make the man

2010-03-06T00:21:00.004-06:00

When I was a child, I had a cat named Fluffy. She was a long haired angora and was... well... Fluffy. Hence the name. *wink* For entertainment, we would take the ring from a jug of milk and tie a string to it and the Fluffster would chase me around for hours while I dragged that ring on the floor behind me. No one told me I was practicing for parenthood, but as it happens, Jack will react the exact same way when I drag a strand of Christmas tree pearls behind me! LOL!

He was absolutely fascinated with these pearls, and they kept him happy all the while I dismantled my Valentine's tree last month (yep, you read that right. I had a tree full of hearts and pearls. I know. You don't even have to say it.). After I gave them to him, I realized that it was probably not the brightest idea I've ever had (hello! choking hazard!), but I watched him like a hawk and scooped them up as soon as he was distracted for a second. In the meantime though I got a ton of great blackmail pictures. hee hee. Nothing like a shirt full of tools, some camo pants, and a string of pearls. I'd say that outfit's complete!

i am not alone

2010-03-03T23:34:00.003-06:00

Speaking of people who left this world too soon, I'm reminded of one of my favorite comediannes of all time... Gilda Radner. I've actually been thinking about her a lot lately. I generally do everytime the Olympics roll around because I can remember laughing my arse off as a child at Gilda's recurring role on Saturday Night Live as Nadia Colmaneci. I wish I could find those videos on youtube, because they are truly hilarious. If you search for Gilda out on the 'tube, you'll find lots of funny material, but nothing that quite compares to her scrunched up little face as she eeks out "I... am Nadia COLMANECI!" Just thinking about it makes me giggle!

I was going through some papers today, working toward my never ending goal of total organization (tell me, is that even possible? I'm beginning to think not), and at the bottom of a stack of books I found the folder we received from the funeral director when we were planning Henry's memorial service. In the folder was a little booklet called Facts Every Family Should Know About Funerals, and in that booklet I found several quotes and phrases that touched my heart. I'll leave you with this one for today...

I wanted a perfect ending.

Now I've learned, the hard way,

that some poems don't rhyme,

and some stories don't have a clear

beginning, middle, and end.

Life is about not knowing,

having to change,

taking the moment

and making the best of it,

without knowing

what's going to happen next.

Delicious Ambiguity.

~Gilda Radner (1946 -1989)

the weight of grief

2010-03-02T22:09:00.004-06:00

Well friends, it was four months ago today that we lost our sweet boy. In some ways it seems like only an instant has passed, and in other ways it seems like an eternity. One question I'm often asked is, "how are you doing?" I can't fault people for asking - it's something I'd be asking too, if the roles were reversed. It's a hard question to answer, because the answer changes mulitple times a day - sometimes multiple times an hour. The weight of grief never leaves me, however I am able to compartmentalize it from time to time if I'm distracted by a movie or a tv show or a game or what have you. In general though, I just feel... well... heavy.

It's an odd feeling, and one I've never experienced prior to November. When I move, I feel more weighted. When I exercise, it is more difficult. I can physically feel pain in joints where before there was none. Granted I have also had a small weight gain during the past four months, but I am no where near my highest adult weight, and yet at times feel as though I've surpassed it by leaps and bounds. You may have heard people use the expression that their "heart is heavy," and perhaps it's the same kind of thing, except that it has expanded to encompass my entire being.

On top of the weight, there are emotions. They come and go, generally whenever they feel like it. A few people have told me that I don't have to be strong in front of them. Somehow suggesting that I am in control of these random emotional breakdowns I have. Unfortunately, that's not the case. Triggers don't seem to give much advanced warning. Last week was especially rough for me, starting with the day I had to throw away our pumpkins. Visiting the pumpkin patch was something grandma, great-grandma, and I did with Henry every year, and I believe was the last outing the four of us had together. I had saved the pumpkins, thinking we'd carve them on October 30th. That was the morning Henry fell ill though, so the carving never happened. I didn't think much of it at the time - I figured he'd be just as happy to carve them a few days later when he was feeling better. Little did I know.

The pumpkins sat on this bench on our back porch, right where he set them, from October through the last week of February. Yes, that angel you see in the picture was there the whole time. One of many strange coincidences I've found in the past few months. So, with the weather warming a bit, the pumpkins softening, and garbage day approaching, it was time. I didn't want to do it, but I did... and then I cried. I cried long and I cried hard for about a week straight over these pumpkins, over the loss of my boy, over the senseless loss of another child in town, over milestones we'll never get to reach, over questions about the future, over the generosity of friends and family and friends we've never met. It all brought me to my knees.

As most things tend to do, it passed, and after several days I was back to my old self (which is actually my new self, all things considered). The whole experience is sad, but that is to be expected in times like these. I don't think there is any way to avoid it, and I'm not sure I want to avoid it, because I think those low times help me to cope with the loss, and to continue to look to the future.

On a lighter note, if you're a regular visitor to my blog and aren't stuck in google reader or some othe third party port, you should have noticed a major change to the way things look around here! I've spent a few days revamping my family blog. A new name (which my facebook friends should recognize from my many notes on facebook in the past four months), a new look, and a new feel overall. I'm still not entirely sure where I'm going to go with this blog, but I'm considering end of day posts on a regular basis on all sorts of topics.

Think Doogie Howser...

*grin*

Sooo...

2010-02-09T23:12:00.006-06:00

What's all wrong with this picture?

Let's see....

1. Jack likes to take his pants off at nap time sometimes. Like this day.

2. Aaaand what's that you see just a few inches behind the pants? That would be a diaper. The diaper. As in, the one he was wearing when he got in bed.

3. Note the dark spot on the sheet near his right foot. That would be wet. And the best part is, he was fine until he saw me. I excited him. :)

4. That was my first thought anyhow... then I realized that whole half of the crib sheet was wet. *sigh*

5. Check out the big smile! He's so happy to be airing out and shooting his willy all willy nilly around the room.

As a side note, how about those ugly crib rail guards!? Jack went through a "I'll chew my way out of the crib" phase, so I improvised and tied fleece blankets over the rails with the ugliest ribbon in my collection. Fear not though, Raggedy Ann and Andy fleece is in the house, and new guards that match the nursery will be done soon.... although I think we've passed the chewing phase and probably don't even need them anymore.

It has been awhile since I've blogged, so I thought it was time for an update. We're getting through the days, trying to stay positive and focus on the future. There are very few days without tears, but we're getting through with each other.

Thanks for all of your continued prayers and support.

Are you scared?

2009-11-21T12:18:00.002-06:00

Here is Jackie at 19 mos in a cute little shirt his grandma bought him for Halloween. In case you can't read it, it says, "I may be cute but I still bite." Darrin snapped this picture of him, and I just love the face he's making. Totally works with the shirt, don't you think?!

Poor little guy is living in a padded world right now. We're so sensitive to every little cough or sigh with him, but he sure has done a lot for us both in terms of keeping us both sane over the past month.

The Legend of the Dragonfly

2009-11-20T11:15:00.002-06:00

One of my childhood friends sent a gift to me after Henry's passing. Included with the dragonfly themed gift (she said this photo was her inspiration), there was a sheet of paper enclosed. The story on that paper has brought me so much comfort over the past few weeks, I wanted to share it here with all of you.

The Legend of the Dragonfly

In the bottom of an old pond lived some grubs who could not understand why none of their group ever came back after crawling up the lily stems to the top of the water. They promised each other that the next one who was called to make the upward climb would return and tell what had happened to him.

Soon one of them felt an urgent impulse to seek the surface; he rested himself on the top of a lily pad and went through a glorious transformation which made him a dragonfly with beautiful wings. In vain he tried to keep his promise. Flying back and forth over the pond, he peered down at his friends below. Then he realized that even if they could see him they would not recognize such a radiant creature as one of their number.

The fact that we cannot see our loved ones or communicate with them after the transformation which we call death is no proof that they cease to exist.

Henry's Memorial

2009-11-13T21:16:00.003-06:00

The night before Henry's memorial service, I printed and put together photo boards to share at the service to give people a glimpse into his little life. I thought I'd make a Smilebox to share them here, too, for those who were unable to attend due to distance or other commitments. There are 142 photos in the slide show, so it will probably take you some time to go through if you're interested. I tried to get it in chronological order, but I think a few are out of order still. Also, note that these are only pics we've taken since we got a digital camera (plus a few early ones that had been scanned). There were additional pictures at the service that had been taken with film that I don't have here:

Make a Smilebox slideshow

We chose three songs for the funeral. The congregation sang Children Of The Heavenly Father, and then we played two contemporary songs. The first was Brad Paisley's When I Get Where I'm Going. I chose that song specifically for the opening lyrics. The part about how he lands next to a lion and runs his fingers through its mane. I could just visualize Henry doing that - he loved animals sooooo much! The second song was Chris Cornell's I Promise It's Not Goodbye. I just loved that song the first time I heard it. It was as if it was written just for us. Be sure to click over and listen if you're not familiar. I find myself humming the first verse often when I'm feeling down, and imagine Henry singing it to me.

In addition to the songs, we shared this poem:

They say memories are golden well maybe that is true.
We never wanted memories, We only wanted you.
A million times we needed you, a million times we cried.
If love alone could have saved you you never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly, In death we love you still.
In our hearts you hold a place no one could ever fill.
If tears could build a stairway and heartache make a lane,
We'd walk the path to heaven and bring you back again.
Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.
Author unknown

Hubby and I also each wrote a letter to Henry that the minister read during the service. I'll close with my letter below:

My dear, sweet, Henry… my little Bug…

There are so many questions I have and so few answers. So many dreams I had for you and for all of us that will never come true. So many games we haven’t played so many zoos we’ve yet to visit. I had grand plans to take you to every zoo in the country, one by one until you tired of them. We’d walk hand in hand as we always did, and you’d giggle and say, “Run, Mama! Run with me!” while tugging at my arm. At first I’d resist, but then give in as I did every single time. Your smile was incredible, and I spent the last three years doing whatever I could to bring it out. I will never forget your laughter or your smile, or your kind soul that was so mature for a child your age. I promise you I will never forget how to be silly, and will one day run and roll and tickle and play with you in Heaven just as we did every day here on earth.

Two years ago, I was pregnant with your brother Jack, and as much as I was looking forward to another wonderful little boy to love, I was terrified that something would go wrong during his delivery, and I would pass on, leaving you far too soon. Never could I ever imagine that you would be the one leaving me. Two days before I gave birth to your brother, I wrote you a letter. Something I wanted you to have in case I didn’t make it through that c-section surgery. In that letter, I wrote, “From day one, you have meant the world to me. I’ve often told your Papa that you are my heart and it is the truth. All of the love I have is wrapped up in you. In your smile, your laughter, even in your cranky side! I am constantly amazed with you, and you have made every day of your life a joy for me, and I could never want for more. Thank you for blessing me with your presence, and as I’ve told you since the day you were born – ‘no matter what happens know that Mama loves you and she’s never very far away’.

I whispered those words – Remember, Mama loves you and she’s never very far away – in your ear when I had to lay you on the light table for your jaundice the day after you were born. I repeated the same thing time and again these past three years whenever I had to be away from you for more than a few hours. Whether you were spending the night at grandma’s house, or going on an adventure with Papa. Last weekend as I held your hand in the hospital and the Flight for Life crew prepped you for your first helicopter ride, I kissed you gently and whispered those words again. Mama’s never very far away. And then I got in my van and raced Papa and myself down to Milwaukee to be at your side.

Even though you are looking down on us from heaven now, I want you to know that I am still right here, not very far away. If you need me, you know where to find me, and you can snuggle up at my side whenever you need to… just like always. I love you every bit as much today as I did the day you were born – even more, if that’s possible. I spent nine and a half months carrying you in my tummy, and will spend the rest of eternity carrying you in my heart and in my memory.

I miss you like crazy, I love you to pieces, and I promise you I will see you again, and we’ll tell your favorite stories, over and over and never be parted again.

All of my love, kisses, and tickles, sweet boy.
Mum

As you danced in the light with joy, love lifted you.

As you brushed against this world so gently, you lifted us.

T.C. Ring

My Sweet Angel

2009-11-08T15:26:00.003-06:00

As you may or may not have heard, my hubby and I lost our three year old son one week ago. His death came quickly, almost without warning, and we're still at a loss as to what caused it (though H1N1 has been ruled out). We are absolutely devastated. Nothing is the same without our sweet boy, and it never will be again.

Please continue to pray for our family. To lift the pain and guilt (not because we caused the death, but more because we feel like we should have been able to prevent it) from our hearts, and for the ability to find some form of comfort in the years to come as we wait to be reunited with our little Bug.

For those who are wondering, we are doing as well as we possibly can be, given the circumstances. Jack is a godsend to us. Without him, I really don't know what would get us out of bed every morning. We are pouring our love and attention into him, and trying to keep the memory of Henry alive by talking about him daily and remembering all of the happy times.... which were basically ALL of the times, because he really was the happiest, most joy filled child I've ever known. Jack is obviously too young to understand. He looks for his brother every day. He waits by the back door for him, searches Henry's bedroom, checks behind doors, and stares out the window. All things he never did before.

Our little Henry was 3 years, 4 months, and 9 days old when he left us for Heaven. God bless him and keep him until we see him again.

Thank you all for your support during this difficult time. ((hugs))

Jack's First Haircut

2009-10-01T15:59:00.002-05:00

After nearly 18 months of growth, I finally decided it was time for Jack's first haircut a few weeks ago. We talked about taking him to Sport Clips where Darrin and Henry have their hair done, but the thought of me holding him down while trying not to get clipped myself just didn't appeal to me, SO... I did it myself. I've only cut hair one other time in my life.... it was Darrin's hair, outside at his parents house with an old electric trimmer. I don't think I've ever seen his Dad laugh harder than he did that day. Turns out that cosmotology is *not* my God given talent. But all things considered, I think I did a pretty good job on the little man!

For those who have followed my blogs for awhile, you may remember how my hubby gave Henry his first haircut.

I'm not saying we are in competition with each other, but if we were, well, I'd totally be winning. :)

Copper Falls

2009-09-30T22:41:00.004-05:00

A girlfriend and I took a road trip this past weekend up to Northern Wisconsin. Along the way, we stopped at little stores and antique shops, and we also decided to stop at Copper Falls State Park. We hiked the 1.7 mile Doughboys' Nature Trail (so named for the WWI vets, not the Pillsbury mascot. *ahem*), and at every turn we ran into a new Amish couple. At first we just kept seeing one couple, and we spent a great deal of time debating whether they were on their rumspringa but eventually we realized there were oodles of Amish at the park and they were just taking advantage of the Open House weekend the same way we were.

I know the Amish aren't too keen on having their pictures taken, but I felt bad asking them to step aside for every shot I wanted to take (they lingered at the look out points... me thinks they were all on dates), so I snapped this from behind. I thought it would make a cool picture with them framed at the bottom. I kinda like the way it turned out with the falls between them.

Anyhow, I just thought I'd share this one.

More to come...

The Hobbies of Henry

2009-09-21T15:34:00.004-05:00

This is basically how I find Henry every time I come into his room in the morning or after naptime:

After he wakes up, he entertains himself with one of his two favorite hobbies: Star Wars or Comic Books. Star Wars, by the way, is winning. He has dozens of figures from the movies, and knows them all - ALL - by name. Most of his collection is stuff that his Papa saved from his own childhood, and some is inherited from his older cousin. It's a family affair!

Every night, part of our bedtime routine is to clean the bedroom and put all of this away. There is a place for everything, and God forbid if I should mistakenly put Han Solo where Darth Vader belongs. Or give him a green light saber. Or forget to reattach his cape.

Aaaaand this is why clean up duties are Papa's responsibility. He knows better.

And here we have the best of both worlds. A Star Wars Comic! *gasp*

See that closet door behind Henry? My Barbie dolls are stashed away on the top shelf in there getting dusty. *sigh*

At Seventeen Months...

2009-08-28T23:22:00.003-05:00

1. You are absolutely addicted to Thomas the Tank Engine.
2. Your giggle melts my heart.
3. You've gotten into more stuff than your brother has in over three years.
4. Your favorite snack is cinammon flavored Goldfish crackers.
5. You sleep like a champ... something I was fairly certain would NEVER happen had you asked me a year ago.
6. You always have something in your mouth... a toy, a sippy, a toe, your sleeve.
7. You are just starting to take a few steps. God help me if you walk faster than you crawl.
8. You know exactly what you want and exactly how to get it.
9. You are content to entertain yourself for what seems like hours on end.
10. You are just beginning to develop a love of books, particularly those involving Biscuit the dog.
11. You love your great-grandma to pieces.
12. You have mastered the downward dog pose and spend a great deal of time in position.
13. You have the most spectacular blue eyes.
14. You are fearless.
15. You have the cheesiest grin I've ever seen and can work your way out of anything by flashing that grin.
16. You light up when you see your mum or pa.
17. You are referred to as Jack, Jackie, Jackie P, JackJack, Bee, and Butterbean, but don't answer to any of them!

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom

2009-08-27T15:49:00.006-05:00

Believe it or not, I never really anticipated being a mom. As I was growing up as my mom's only child, I wasn't around children much and therefore never really seemed to enjoy the times when I was. I never enjoyed babysitting... In fact, I never even enjoyed visiting friends houses when they had younger siblings. I spent the majority of my time in the company of adults (mom and her friends) or senior citizens (grandparents, great-grandparents, and their friends).

When my husband and I decided to start a family, I was intent on returning to work after a short maternity leave. In fact, I accepted a promotion four months before Henry was born. Even after giving birth I was sure I'd be returning to work when my maternity leave was over. I wasn't stay at home mom material, and I didn't pretend to be. Then one day I woke up and it was as if everything had changed. Henry was six weeks old, and as I sat rocking him in his nursery it occurred to me that come hell or high water I could not leave that child and return to work. For the next month, hubby and I debated the merits of me staying home. He was against it, though I suspect it was more from the shock from my sudden change of heart than anything. Finally we decided I would stay home. After all, how hard could it be?

Heh.

Back when I was working, one of my girlfriends (you know who you are!) was a stay at home mom and I teased her about her responsibilities. She was forever emailing me about how tired she was and how worn out she was and how much work she had to do around the house that never seemed to get done. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why any of this was happening. Surely if she was home all day she had plenty of time to do all of that and then some! I teased her when she joined a local MOPS group, making some comment about how she can't even keep her own house clean (mops...mopping... get it? Lame, I know), and she took it all in stride. I think secretly she knew my day would come and then she could giggle at me quietly while I floundered.

So now here I am, a stay at home mom, and I will tell you this.... it is HARD. It is hard for many of the obvious reasons (lack of sleep, running ragged chasing two mobile toddlers, fighting daily over the benefits of vegetables over cheetos, etc.) and for the not so obvious reasons (lack of adult interaction, feeling removed from popular culture and society as I knew it, rarely ever traveling anywhere alone again, etc.) but despite it all, I love it. I love watching my boys grow and learn, and I love knowing that I have seen it all happen in real time. I love every temper tantrum and every wet kiss and every, "what happens now, Mum?" (which comes at about 2 minute intervals all. day. long.) Staying home has been the hardest, yet most rewarding, thing I've ever done and I treasure every high and every low.

The other day I was doing some web-surfing to unwind during naptime and I stumbled across this list of Confessions of a Stay At Home Mom, and wanted to share it with you. I can relate to so much of this, and I'm guessing some of you can, too:

The life of the stay at home mom (SAHM) is one that is often criticized and largely misunderstood. Ever wonder what we do all day? Delve deep into the confessions of a stay at home mom.

1.We clean sometimes, but not nearly as much as we lead you to believe.
Cleaning is a task that is seemingly never ending. There is always laundry to be done, dishes to be washed, beds to be made, floors to be vacuumed, and so many more chores. The stay at home mom does indeed handle all of these cleaning responsibilities. The secret is that we do not do all of these chores as often as we may lead you to believe. For the most part, chores can be done quickly even though we may hint that they took much longer. Cleaning is a task that stay at home moms must tackle, but it is not as bad as we let on.

2. We take naps.
Yes, it’s true. We take naps if we are so inclined. Those of us with younger children may sleep when they sleep. Those with older children who are in school have the freedom to nap whenever they please. The stay at home mom is on call at every moment of the day and so we are entitled to getting a nice relaxing nap in during the day.

3. We enjoy doing errands most of the time.
The life of a stay at home mom can be very stressful with a list of things to get accomplished while managing to care for the children. We enjoy running those mundane errands to the grocery store and post office because it gets us out of the house. We can listen to music in the car and chill out for the short ride. Sometimes it is taxing if the children are acting up, but for the most part it is a nice break to the day.

4. We would rather be working.
This is not true for every stay at home mom, but the thought passes through our heads more often than many people think. Being a stay at home mom is a very rewarding job but being in the workforce also gives a sense of identity and accomplishment that staying home doesn’t.

5. Contradictory to number 4, we want nothing more than to raise our children.
Raising a child is one of the most important jobs any person can do. These children deserve the love and attention of their parents and there is no better way to give them that then being with them all day. As a stay at home mom, we are responsible for the development of our children and we love doing what we do.

6. We have plenty of time for entertainment.
Yes, the average stay at home mom has time to watch television, surf the Internet, and enjoy all sorts of entertainment throughout the day. Many can recall an image of a woman laying on the couch eating bon bons and watching the soaps on television. While it is not so luxurious, we certainly do take time in the day to relax with our tivo.

7. We get frustrated.
The main job of the stay at home mom is to raise her children. This task can be very difficult. Staying home with a child who is rambunctious, tired, or sick can be very draining on our mental health. While we love our children dearly, it is easy to get frustrated with them. For this reason, we often need a break at the end of the day. We are often met with the attitude of “Why would you need a break, what did you do all day?” This is infuriating so do not assume that we have done nothing if we are feeling frustrated and need a break.

8. We feel entitled to a paycheck.
The stay at home mom does the work of caregiver, maid, nurse, chef, chauffer, and accountant. A recent study stated that if a stay at home mom were to release these duties and have to pay for all of these services, it would cost an estimated $70,000 a year. That is a lot of money. It is no surprise then that we would be deserving of a paycheck. While we know that this is not going to happen any time in the near future, we can cling to our belief that what we are doing is worthy of a paycheck.

9. We are envious of our counterparts.
The stay at home mom generally has a partner who is out working and bringing home that enviable paycheck. There are days when we would gladly trade positions and go work while our partner stayed home. We want the freedom to leave the home, knowing that our children are in capable hands. Again, I digress; this is not all of the time, just on those rough days.

10. We love our children more than anything in this world.
We make sacrifices as a stay at home mom. We make this life our identity. We do this because we are madly in love with our children and want the best of everything for them. This love makes being a stay at home mom the best job in the world.

Disclaimer: While this article is told from personal experience, there are stay at home moms who differ in opinion. Not everyone is the same. Yes, there are some who strive for perfection and the immaculately clean home at all times. There are also stay at home moms who stay at home simply because they can or because they don’t want to work as opposed to having their children’s best interest in mind. There is a broad spectrum of stay at home moms, but these confessions apply to many.

So, there you have it. What do you think? Can you relate?

2009 County Fair

2009-08-14T20:28:00.003-05:00

Make a Smilebox scrap pages

Here are a few pictures from the recent County Fair that we went to. Henry and I rode on a few rides, and if you look closely in the picture of us on the bumper cars, you will see grandma and great-grandma in the car directly behind us. Check out the look on great-grandma's face (she's right above Henry's head). bwahahaha! My mom (a professional driver, by the way) had NO idea how to operate the bumper cars. It was hilarious. She got them jammed in a corner and then spent the duration of the ride yelling, "WE NEED A TOW!" She is such a nut. :)

Papa and Jack had fun looking at the animals, and Henry ALWAYS loves animals, so he was just in heaven. A few days later Henry said, "Mum... I don't like those bumping cars..." hehehe.

Ah well, hopefully he'll forget that by next year!

Splish Splash!

2009-07-09T22:54:00.003-05:00

My mom called today and asked if I wanted to bring the boys over after naps for a little time in the swimming pool. Henry lurrrrves him some water play time, and Jack is usually game for just about anything, so I told her we'd be there. Henry was so excited when he realized he was going in his "fwimmin' pool." hehehe.

Here are a few shots from he afternoon. First we have my pale little man sporting his new trunks:

And Grandma trying to stay dry (which, by the way, totally did not work!):

Henry's big thing was filling the bucket and dumping all of the water onto the grass. Good to know he's mastered the whole concept of "bailing" just in case we're ever at sea... heh. Jack's primary interest was pulling and eating grass. It was fantastic (note the sarcastic tone to my voice):

It's a good thing he's so stinkin' cute!

Being that their Grandma (or "Vwamma" as Henry puts it) is the coolest in the whole world, the boys also had the option of this fun little sprinkler. The only thing is that the pool was filled with warm water from the house, and the sprinkler got f-f-freezing cold water straight out of the hose. Henry felt the hose water once, and that was all it took... back in the pool he went. lol. Smart kid!

Here I am foolishly lured in by an innocent, "Mum! Watch me!":

And here we are clearly able to see that Great-Grandma is the smartest woman of the family, as she remained a good ten feet away from all of the action the whole time. :)

As always you can click on any of the pics to see them larger.

I have more stuff to blog, and will hopefully get it up soon! If I don't, feel free to badger me. Oh wait, some of you already do. (*cough*Chris*cough*) hehehehe.

Happy Birthday, Henry!

2009-06-23T03:23:00.000-05:00

Three years ago today, at 3:23 a.m., we welcomed our oldest son Henry into the world. :o) It was love at first sight for the two of us, and I can't even believe three years have gone by already!

We celebrated Henry's birthday on Sunday with his grandmas, godparents, and Aunt Jena, and here are some highlights of the day:

Henry lurrrves him some Spiderman. Here he is saying, "Oooooooo!" (too cute!) as he opens his new Chutes and Ladders game:

Here's the birthday boy in his cowboy shirt:

And here's the awesome cake that my friend Steph made for Henry's big day. I sent her a picture of the decorations, and she used that as inspiration for her design. :) Check out more of her work on her cake blog HERE.

Here I am with my sister, Jena:

And helping Henry blow out the candles on his cake... pretty much doing it myself to avoid having it slimed by a three year old. ;)

And here is Henry with his favorite part of all... the "ah-bawoons"!

Happy Birthday, my sweet boy!!

Happy Birthday, Grandma!

2009-06-16T08:53:00.002-05:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Boy, I've really been slacking on the blog lately! Yikes! So sorry for the lack of posts. Here are some pictures we took a few days ago at Grandma's birthday celebration. :)

They're baa-aaaack...

2009-05-11T09:43:00.003-05:00

Every year, for about a week in May, our lakeshore area is plagued with these pesky little bugs called Lakeflies. They look like a big mosquito, but (thankfully!) they do not bite. They just fly around in huge swarms, and then die off. It's really all very pointless, and annoying. When I was a kid, we had a TON of lakeflies. I mean, I can remember driving through the park with my mom, and they were so thick at times that we had to have the windshield wipers on! The houses on the lakeshore were totally covered with the bugs - white house especially. There were so many bugs on those houses, they actually appeared grey from the street. Then in the late 90's, something happened, and they were gone. We went through about five years with very few bugs at all. But then they came back, and now it seems to get worse every year (though still no where near as bad as when I was a kid).

Henry and I went to the zoo on Saturday, and the lakeflies were out, but they weren't too bad. They mostly stuck to the bridge and buildings, and weren't really swarming. I knew it would be worse yesterday (Sunday), but decided to risk it, and took my camera with me. The lakeflies were HORRIBLE! The entire time we were there, you could hear a hum in the air around you, because there were so many bugs buzzing around. And before you think I'm crazy for even going, you should know we weren't the only people there! Everyone had their hoods up and their noses and mouths covered (well, except us, because we're strong.... or stupid... lol!). The animals HATED the bugs. They were all hiding in their houses for the most part. Here are some pics of our annoying little friends in case anyone is interested. Here's a close up of a few on the fence. There were literally hundreds on the fence, this just a small 3" square space:

This is what the sky looked like:

I know what you're thinking... why did you go? And I don't know. I didn't think they'd be as bad as they were, so we drove over. When we pulled up, I knew it was going to be horrible, but Henry started to cry at the idea of being there, and not getting out. I tried to bribe him with all kinds of things... ice cream, McDonalds, etc. No luck. He wanted to go in. So, we went. But we went fast! The bugs didn't bother him in the least... typical boy!

Here is one of the zoo buildings, and more of the fence. All of the little black spots are lakeflies:

The cafe (appropriately named) was open... Blech. Who wants to eat with all these things flying around?! All of those black spots on the sign are lakeflies:

Look at all of the dirt on the side of the road....

But guess what? It's not dirt. It's dead lakeflies. They live for about 24 hours, then die, and collect in the side of the road (and smell like fish - it's fabulous). When I was a kid, they piles of dead lakeflies were so thick you had to shovel them to clean up. Nasty. This is nothing compared to what it used to be like!

So, I don't think we'll be going back to the zoo for about a week. They only stick around for about 7 - 10 days, then we'll be in the clear again. :)

Aren't you glad I shared?!

Goal #1

2009-05-08T23:02:00.004-05:00

I just wanted to give a little update on the Pound for Pound challenge. If you remember, I pledged to lose 28 lbs between January 5 and May 5 this year as part of the PFP challenge that was hosted on The Biggest Loser. I was doing really well until I hit a plateau mid-April and couldn't get past it for the life of me. I finally did end up breaking through the plateau, and just in the nick of time, too!

I am so proud of the work I've done in the past four months, and feel sooo much better! I have way more energy, am winded a lot loss frequently, and don't have ANY of the pains I had been having in my heel, knee, and back! I am planning to continue losing weight and exercising (Bob Harper kicks my arse on a nightly basis via DVD!). Click the pictures to see a larger image... and ignore my eye in that bottom pic. It looks like I have a black eye, but I don't! It must have just been the shadows... I now weigh less than I did when I got married almost 10 years ago. Another 5 lbs, and I'll weigh the same amount I did when hubby and I met back in early 1998. So, that little (or not so...) five pounds is my next goal. Then I'll set a new one from there and see where it all takes me.

Thanks so much for the encouragement here and on my other blog, and a big thanks to all who joined the challenge with me. You guys rock!

As a side note... I actually weigh 70 lbs less right now than I did at my highest (albeit during pregnancy) weight... and 28 lbs less than I weighed before I got pregant (both times). Woot!!

What Big Brother Doesn't Know....

2009-04-22T22:58:00.002-05:00

This little red Radio Flyer car was a birthday gift for Henry last year from Grandma, and it's one of his most prized posessions. It's hard to believe that at 3 yrs old I'm already hearing the words, "Mum! Bee's trying to get my car!" coming from my oldest son. LOL! Well, technically it's more like, "Bee's fwying to dit my car!" ....but you know what I mean.

The problem is, Jack LOVES the car. A lot. So, sometimes when Jack wakes up early in the morning or after naps, or when Henry is outside with Papa, Jack gets to take a spin. Here he is, in all his glory:

......how *you* doin'? ..........

bwa ha ha ha! :o) At least he has a nice ride!

Ice Shoves

2009-04-08T22:14:00.003-05:00

We live a few blocks from the shore of Lake Winnebago, one of the largest inland lakes in the country. As long as I can remember, it has been a ritual every spring to go down and look at the ice shoves. As the ice melts, the waves push the broken ice to shore, and it piles up almost like a snowbank. Sometimes the shoves are taller than the nearby houses. This year they're actually pretty low, but still fascinating (at least I think they are!).

Here is a picture of Henry sitting on a chunk of ice. You can see how thick the ice still is (about 15") when it shoves up on land.

Another picture of Henry in front of a larger pile. This tree root is right on the shoreline:

The ice breaks off almost like shale, in these long, thin, pieces:

The shoves are strong enough to push boulders inland:

Here you can see the shoves up against the shore. Beyond that, you see some open water and what looks like flat land. That part that looks like flat land is actually more ice waiting to come to shore. Just past that you see a darker line that might look like a treeline far off in the distance. That's the shore on the other side of the lake.

We took these pictures on Sunday, and when I was out at the park today, as far as I could tell all of the ice that had still be in the lake had now either melted or come to shore. The piles are melting fast, but are still pretty substantial.

Interesting, or no? I think so!

It's Bee's Birtay!

2009-04-05T23:17:00.003-05:00

On Sunday, March 29, Henry woke up and came downstairs to a house filled with Winnie the Pooh. The first thing he saw at the bottom of the stairs was our table, all decked out (sans food, at that point):

In the cutest, most amazed, voice a child of two and three quarters could muster, he said, "It's my birtay!!" :o) hee hee. I said, "No honey, it's Jack's birthday!" I thought maybe he'd be sad that all of the fanfare wasn't for him, but instead he just repeated in the same voice, "It's Bee's birtay!" Seriously, a.dor.able!

So, above you can see the little luncheon we had. That was only about half the food. I kept forgetting to put stuff out. Doh!

See those bumble bee cupcakes? I made those! Here's a close up:

They are actually "diet" cupcakes (one box of cake mix + one can of diet coke, then make and cook per package directions) with non-diet toppings. The base frosting was tinted yellow, then I piped the three brown stripes on. The wings are made of white chocolate. I drew a template on a piece of paper, and then put waxed paper over the top and traced over the template with melted chocolate to form the wings. I let them dry all afternoon (the day before), and then peeled them off and stuck them in. It was a little tricky, and I did break a few (in case you're wondering the broken pieces went in the garbage - if there's one thing I won't eat, it's white chocolate!) in the process. The white part of the eyes is a miniature marshmallow (cut in half) with a little more chocolate frosting piped on top. Cute, no? I was happy with how they turned out!

Unfortunately, our camera battery died after only a few pictures. We did get quite a few pics from my mom, but they're all from a film camera, and I don't have the patience to scan them, so all you get to see are the few we got before the battery died, and one that my cousin emailed me.
Jack and Mum:

Here we tried to blow out the candle, but Jack was more interested in dipping into the taco salad:

And my favorite, Jack's great-great-great (!!!) Uncle Dan jammin' out on Henry's "ahtar"!

Happy Birthday, Grandma!

2009-03-25T22:22:00.003-05:00

My mom celebrated her birthday on Monday, so we had her over for some cake and showered her with birthday gifts!

Here she is with her gift from Henry. I helped him pick it out. ;o) He looks very pleased with my decision though!

Great-Grandma and Jack watched from the chair:

Here's mom with the bottoms to the jammies that hubby and I bought her. My mom lives in jammies when she's home, and it's hilarious, because she is so particular about them. They have to be two pieces, and those two pieces have to coordinate. She would not be caught in a red top with purple bottoms. Me? I wear whatever I grab first. Her? Not so much! You can see the coordinating tank top over her knee there. She loved them!

And here's mom with the birthday cake I made for her. One of the moms I chat with online suggested Paula Deen's Butterscotch Delight, but mentioned that she'd also seen it made with Oreos, so I combined a few recipes to make this Oreo Delight:

Does it look yummy? Because IT WAS! Holy man... you have no idea. It was soooooooo good! Quite possibly the best tasting dessert I've ever tasted in my entire life!

Here is the (combined) recipe I used:

Oreo Delight

1 (20 ounce) package chocolate sandwich cookies
1/2 cup butter

Crush cookies into bite size pieces. Reserve 1 cup for top. Melt butter and mix with rest of cookies. Press into 9x13 pan.

8 oz. Cream Cheese, at room temp
1 cup Powdered Sugar

Beat these together in a bowl.

3 cups Heavy Cream
3/4 cup Sugar

Whip these together until it forms stiff peaks.

2 - 3.4 oz packages Chocolate Fudge Instant Pudding Mix
3 cups Milk

Prepare pudding according to package directions using the 3 cups of milk. Fold 1 cup of whipped cream into cream cheese mix and spread over crust. Spread the pudding over that layer, and cover the whole thing with the rest of the whipped cream. Sprinkle the top with the reserved crushed Oreos. Chill overnight.

I have to tell you, it is NOT like me to go through this much effort for a recipe. I am the kind of person who will usually only try recipes if they include 3 or less ingredients and 2 steps. I found the Cool Whip variation of this recipe on allrecipes.com, and there was a day when I would have just made that.... but now I know why people go through the extra effort. If my mother's words ever came back to me, it was while tasting this recipe because it's totally true: you get out of it, what you put into it. Although I'm sure it's much easier, I'd lay money on the fact that the Cool Whip version doesn't taste nearly as good as this does!

If you decide to try it, leave a comment here and let me know how you liked it!

Nekkid Bebe!

2009-03-20T23:15:00.003-05:00

When it's time for a bath, we've always undressed Henry in his bedroom and then let him streak down the hall to the bathroom yelling, "Nekkid Bebe!" as he goes. Today he had a little accident (explosive diaper - damn antibiotics!), so I had to strip him mid-day. He really could have used a bath then and there, but I didn't have anywhere to put Jack that he would have been content, so I had to do the best I could with cleaning him up. Anyhow, after I put his diaper on, I went to get him some clean clothes and he ran after me shouting, "Nekkid Bebe!" over and over. tee hee. :)

I had to grab my camera and snap a few pictures.

Down Time

2009-03-12T15:40:00.004-05:00

Jack started running a fever last Wednesday, and it continued through Monday, when he also started to develop a bad cough and was gasping for air. We took him in, and he was admitted to the hospital for a day with croup and stridorous breathing. He needed several treatments to get his breathing back under control.

The following day, Henry also developed a fever, and was diagnosed with pneumonia when we took him to the pediatrician. This pic was taken on day 1 of his sickness as he snuggled with Grandma.... on day 2, he was flat on his back on the couch for 14 hours straight, and absolutely refused to move for anything (this was the day I took him to the Dr., which he fought... "I no like my dotdor.... I not feewing so good.... I no like my dotdor"). The Dr. gave him two shots of antibiotics, and by this morning (day 3) he was up and about again, and thankfully feeling much better.

I will be so glad once the sickies are out of the house for good!

What do you see?

2009-03-05T23:26:00.000-06:00

Here is a short video of Henry looking at one of his favorite picture books. For as long as we've been reading together (basically all his life), I've asked him what he sees on every page of every book. I'm trying to get him to notice the little things in the background in the hopes that he will grow up to be more observant of the things around him than some men I know (*ahem* lol!).

The theory doesn't really apply to this book since all that's there are pictures... but at least I explained my title. ;o)

No, Mama...

2009-03-03T22:45:00.001-06:00

I didn't eat any Cheerios. I promise I.....

What?

Oh.... that.

I can explain...

Sigh

2009-02-24T20:13:00.003-06:00

So, my original goal with bringing out the camera yesterday was to capture Jack's (a.k.a. "Bee")army crawl. Henry was just fascinated with the camera though, so that didn't really work as planned. Here's another clip... This was my first attempt. :)

Army Crawl

2009-02-23T23:33:00.005-06:00

Here's a quick video of Jack's army crawl. He's been doing this for about a month now (maybe a little longer?), but has recently picked up speed. He's pulling himself up some, too. I have a video of that to share another day. Stay tuned!

You can also hear Henry in the backgroun on this. He is enthralled with the camera, but only wants to be on the back side of it so he can see what's going on in the little screen. :)

Pardon the Christmas music in the background. Henry has a National Geographic video of Santa telling him about all of the different animals at the North Pole, and he just loves it. The songs are all about the animals, but set to the tune of various carols. He loves his, "Santa wif ameals" (i.e. "Santa with animals") :o)

Halfway There

2009-02-20T15:14:00.004-06:00

If you've been paying attention to my sidebar, you know that I've been participating in the Pound for Pound Challenge that was issued on The Biggest Loser. I pledged to lose 28 lbs during this season of the tv show, which ends around May 5th. As of yesterday, I'm down 15 lbs. I thought it would be fun to do a little comparison photo, so I had Darrin snap one of me last night.

I can totally see the difference in my face between these two pictures! I also am loving that more of my favorite clothes are starting to fit. As of today, I weigh one pound less than I did when I got married 9.5 years ago! Woot!

Although I am over halfway to my PFP goal, I still have quite a ways to go to my overall goal, but I'm trying to focus on one step at a time and stay realistic about everything. Big thanks to everyone who has encouraged me this far! Keep it up! You have no idea how much your words mean to me.

Your crib or mine?

2009-02-08T00:05:00.002-06:00

The boys are starting to interact more, and Henry is saying "NO!" a lot less when he is placed next to his brother. lol! He never has really shunned Jack per se, but has always enjoyed having a little distance between them. After nap time, I usually grab Henry first and then he runs into Jack's room yelling, "Bee! Ha-woah Bee!" (say it outloud, you'll get it.) For whatever reason I decided to get Jack first this particular day, and set him in the crib with Henry while I put some clothes away and cleaned up in Henry's room. They played nice for a good 10-15 mins before it got old. Hey, I'll take what I can get!

And yes, before you ask, my almost three year old is still in a crib. Could he be in a toddler/regular bed? Sure. Will he be in one by his birthday? Maybe. Right now he's content in the crib, and I'm happy as long as he is. ;o)

Bath Time!

2009-01-29T23:42:00.002-06:00

These pictures of Jack were taken on New Years Eve, but I forgot to post them. I just found them today while I was flipping through my photo folders, and thought I'd share.

I love baby toes. :) And baby toes in water and just as cute as can be!

What's cuter than baby toes? Baby fat! Isn't it sad that fat doesn't remain cute into adulthood? lol.

The only way we can keep Jack happy in the tub is to let him chew on this lid. And yes, it has to be *this* lid.

My blue-eyed boy:

A few pictures...

2009-01-25T23:58:00.002-06:00

Here are a few pictures Darrin snapped today. I was getting ready to head off to a meeting (helping to plan our 15 year high school reunion), and my Mom had just stopped by to pick up Henry for the afternoon.

Here is Jack with Grandma:

Mama with Jackie:

And a few of me reading with the boys. We've tried to instill a love of books in both of the boys, and it has definitely worked with Henry. He will sit and "read" for hours, and then beg you to read more. Jack is a little more distracted than Henry ever was, but he still seems to enjoy it from time to time. These are two of Henry's favorite books:

Note the bare toes on Jack. We cannot keep socks on this kid to save our lives. No matter what we do, he manages to get them off. He can even de-sock in the saucer, where he can't even reach his toes! It's crazy! I've threatened to buy him tights, but that didn't go over too well with Papa. ;)

It's Always Something...

2009-01-21T13:27:00.002-06:00

This morning my husband came into the bedroom at 7:30am. Sarah, are you awake?. *sigh* I am now. He climbed into bed and said he thought the hot water heater was broken, because he just took a cold shower. Feel me, he said, as if I didn't believe him and really wanted to be awake enough to move my arm. I slapped a hand over his way, and sure enough, he was cold. Ok, I'll call a plummer this morning... Lemme sleep.

An hour later, he was back. GOOSE! You have to get up! Yes, he calls me Goose. He has for years, and I have no idea how it started. After leaving the room an hour earlier, he just happened to go down to the basement to check on the water heater, and found water gushing into the laundry room from the bathroom. When he came upstairs, he told me there was a leak in the pipe under the sink. So, being the handyman of the house *wink*, I got up and got dressed, and schlepped down to take a look. As it turns out, there was no leak... there was a tidal wave. And it wasn't coming from under the sink, it was coming from under the vanity... and under the wall... and crap, is that water coming in through the cracks in the wall? Yep. Niiiice. Now I'm willing to tackle a lot of home projects. I learned quite a bit by watching my grandpa work on homes over the years, and feel pretty confident with just about any task you throw my way, but I knew I'd been beaten by Noah and the great flood that was about to come crashing through my wall.

I went upstairs to call the plummer, and was told they could be at my house "around noon". Umm, excuse me? It's 8am, and I have a wall of water trying to break into my house. Noon does not work. She made some calls, switched some appts, and said a tech would be at the house within the hour. Ok, fine. 9am comes.... no tech. 9:30.... no tech. I call back only to find he's "minutes away". *sigh* Fine. He comes at 9:40, and I trust Darrin to the business of getting everything squared away while I take care of the kids.

Darrin comes upstairs about an hour later, and tells me the repair is going to cost us $250. Not great news, but certainly not as bad as it could have been. The pipes burst behind the wall, and needed to be replaced. I asked him how big of a hole they had to make, and "the whole wall is gone" was his reply. Are you kidding me? Then he says, "I never liked that old vanity anyhow." WHAT? The vanity, too? OMG. I must have looked like one of those cartoon cats, where you see the $ signs rolling through their eyes like symbols on a slot machine. My husband, however, was unphased.

Let me give you a little history.... When we moved into our 100+ year old house, we learned the the southeast corner of the basement is an old cistern that has been closed off. Since day one, he has been asking me to let him tear that basement wall out so he can see what is in the cistern. Why would you want to do that? I'll tell you what's in there. Nastiness. Bugs. Maybe even a dead body. Who the hell cares?! Let it be! But no, he refused. Every six months or so for the last ten years, we've gone through the same discussion. Him wanting to tear the wall out, and me knowing that if he did he'd never be able to repair it himself, and it would just sit, or be one more thing for me to do, or one more unnecessary repair bill for us. So when he came upstairs to tell me they had to break through the wall to get to the pipes, he was almost giddy. Well, I said, you finally got to break through your wall. Congratulations. What did you find behind it?

*pause*

*sad face*

Another wall.

BWA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! The cistern is still cemented off, and the pipes were between the cement and the paneled basement wall. So I said the only thing I could at that moment...

*shrug*

Sorry, Geraldo.

ROTFLMAO!

Once I got Henry down for his nap this afternoon, and had Jack happy in his saucer, I grabbed my camera and took it down to the basement to capture the carnage. As it turns out, my husband is quite the exaggerator. Not only is the ugly vanity still intact (albeit very dirty), but only a small piece of the wall had to be removed. That piece was destroyed, but it is easily fixable once everything dries out.

Here is a picture of the cement that still keeps my husband from the contents of our cistern, our $250 little black pipe, and my ugly bathroom vanity:

I was pleasantly surprised to see that the paneling had been put up right over the cement. I thought there would be plaster under it that would need repairs too, as the opposite wall of the bathroom is plastered. Phew! I lucked out this time. :)

Those were the days...

2009-01-21T13:10:00.002-06:00

Pretty much anyone who has talked to me for as much as a minute in the past six months has heard at least part of my sob story about Jack, and how he has stopped sleeping. We have tried everything to get him to nap and sleep better through the night, but nothing seems to be working. I've read every book, taken all of the advice, and he has laughed his cute little baby laugh in the face of it all.

Our pediatrician recently referred us to the sleep clinic at the Children's Hospital of Wisconsin in Milwaukee, and we had that appointment last week. After a 90-minute check-up, we were told there were no physical problems with Jack. Although this was a huge relief (we feared Apnea), it was a little disheartening because it meant we still had no answers, and therefore no solutions. The nurse who performed the exam gave us two suggestions. The first was to switch up his bedtime routine so that nursing was not the last thing that happened before sleep. We have tried this for the last week, and if anything it has made the situation worse. We figured it would take time for him to grow accustomed to the new routine, but that doesn't really seem to be working out in the least.

Another suggestion was to give him Melatonin, which is a hormone the body produces when it gets dark to make you drowsy, fall asleep, and stay asleep. Some children do not make enough Melatonin, and need to be supplemented. She suggested giving .5 mg per night, a half hour before bedtime. We've done so for two nights now (had troubles finding it at first), and it hasn't phased him in the least. *sigh*

I've now resorted back to my theory that the thing that keeps him up/wakes him up is intestinal, having to do with his bowel movements (or lack there of). Mylicon doesn't touch it (of course), and the pediatrician tells me there is nothing stronger on the market that is safe for him... well, except for Reglan, but after a little research on that, it doesn't fall into my "safe" category either. Reglan is a motility agent though, so I did a little research on natural motility agents, and the only thing I'm coming up with are prunes. Sooooo, starting today, Jack is on an all prune diet. LOL. Totally kidding. :) But I am going to make it a point to give him at least a serving a day in an effort to get him regular (sometimes he is, sometimes he's not) and see if that helps with the sleep as well.

If you're wondering how I came to this theory, well, I've had it for some time and it was quickly debunked by doctors. But, sometimes you just have to stick with that mama gut feeling and run with it. The two times he woke up last night, I happened to be right by his room, and went in quickly. I could hear him passing gas as he was struggling to stay asleep, but the gas won, and he was up.

The nurse at the clinic did say that he seems to be suffering from "infant insomnia" and that he will grow out of it eventually, which I'm sure is true... it's just this in between time that's difficult.

Lunch

2009-01-21T13:06:00.004-06:00

The better part of one's life consists of his friendships.

~Abraham Lincoln

Those who are reading this and know me well, know I've always held my friendships in high regard. Although our paths may separate for months or years, I can think of no friend I've ever had that I wouldn't welcome back into my life for an hour, a day, a month, or years. I know some people think this is odd, but it's just who I am, who I have always been, and I have no intention of changing.SO, when I was recently given the opportunity to reconnect with an old friend from high school, I went for it. We hung in the same circle in high school, and then life kind of got in the way and we went our separate ways around 1996. We touched base again in 2000 for a bit, and that was the last I'd heard from him until about a month ago when we reconnected online.

We've chatted off and on for the past month, mostly about how many similarities there are in our lives, between both us and our spouses. I've joked that we're like a walking Lincoln-Kennedy penny (did you have one of those? My grandma saved one for me. :o)). We've also exchanged recipes, and just enjoyed mundane chit chat about diaper rashes and lunatic deer on the rampage. In short, its been fun.

About a week ago, he found out his neice was being baptised in Oshkosh, and he was planning to come up for the celebration with his dad, so we arranged some time to meet for lunch. In keeping with my Pound For Pound challenge, we hit Subway. It was actually kind of funny, because this woman was milling around and we were both saying how we thought we knew her but couldn't place her. We ended up realizing she was the manager.... the same manager that worked there when we would go in high school... Weird.Being the good blogger that I am (HA!), I remembered my point n' shoot, and she was kind enough to take a snapshot for me:

Aaron and his wife Kara are now living just outside of Darrin's hometown. Darrin and I are hoping to get back to the area this summer to see his family, and will hopefully be able to hang out with our new old friends a little at the same time.

Jack in a Basket

2009-01-08T22:53:00.002-06:00

I thought I'd share a few pictures I took of Jack the other day. He just turned 9 months old a few days before these were taken. He was being super fussy that night, so after trying everything else I decided to toss him into a laundry basket with a few toys. He was happy in there for a good half hour!

I love that bottom picture. You can tell he'd had enough! His personality is really starting to blossom lately too, which is fun to watch. :o)

Ho Ho Ho!

2008-12-29T22:32:00.001-06:00

Here's our Santa picture from this year. Henry wouldn't even go near him. Jack wasn't really much more excited about the idea. LOL! Check out that facial expression!

Pretty Pretty Princess

2008-12-28T22:50:00.002-06:00

I thought I'd share some pictures of our ~~pain~~ cat, Princess. She has been such a stinker lately. Today I was doing something on the computer, and she jumped right up on the counter (I sit at the island in the kitchen) and started meowing at me. She soooo knows she shouldn't be on the counter! I grabbed my camera and tried to take a picture, but she came in close because she's nosey. The flash scared her. hee hee.

I mentioned on my craft blog the other day how I hang all of our Christmas cards around a door frame. I've done this as long as we've lived in this house, and we've had Princess this entire time. In all of our nine years here, she has never once shown any interest in a single card.... until now. She has fallen absolutely in love with this card we received from my toddler mom friend Kelly. I can't figure it out. I asked Kelly if they have any pets (no), or if they dusted their cards with catnip this year (nope)... I just can't figure it out. She will sit and give Kelly and family kisses all day if I let her...

She'll bat at them when they don't kiss back. ;o) *snort*

Anyhow, she has been cracking me up lately, so I just thought I'd share. :o) Here she is looking all innocent:

Yeah, right.

Christmas Day 2008

2008-12-28T00:39:00.003-06:00

Here's a smilebox with some pics from Christmas day. We had a gift opening in the morning at our house where the boys, my mom, and grandma opened their presents from us (and Santa!). Then we had a second opening in the afternoon at my grandma's house, where we opened their gifts to us. It was a busy day, but always a good time!

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Christmas Eve 2008

2008-12-25T13:14:00.001-06:00

We have our big family gathering on Christmas Eve each year. When I was a kid, everyone would gather at my Great-Grandma's house after church. Since Grandma has passed, we've been rotating between four different houses each year. I volunteered to host this year so we'd be able to put Jack to bed at a decent time if he got cranky... which he did. He was horrible at 7:30, so I put him to bed, and then he was up at 8:30 and would NOT go back to sleep for anything. Apparently he wanted to spend time with the family too! I brough him downstairs to visit with everyone and he ended up staying awake until 10:30 before going down for the night.

Here are some photos from the evening....

It is so hard to get a picture of Henry without a cheeseball grin on his face lately. Here's a nice half-smile (hee hee):

Here we have (L-R) my mom's cousin Debbie (Jack's godmother), Jack, my grandma, and my mom:

Notice how all of the Kromm men have the same look on their face. It takes *years* to master that look of disinterest and mild annoyance. HA!! If my Uncle Sonny were here, he'd have the same look on his face (unfortunately he spent Christmas in the hospital this year due to some heart problems... please say a little prayer for him if you're the praying kind). On the left is my mom's cousin Bob, in the middle are his son (Matt) and step-daughter (Erin), and on the right is my Uncle Floyd (grandma's brother). I took this picture from the staircase, in case you're wondering why they're all looking up.

Remember that picture of Debbie up there? Well, here's her husband Tod (Jack's godfather) with Darrin, hanging out in the kitchen talking politics. :o)

Henry was so excited to open gifts! He kept running around saying, "Presents? Presents?" hee hee. He got a farmer Elmo set from Uncle Floyd and Aunt Rose (I just realized I didn't get a picture of her... dang it. I hate it when that happens), and a big "working" farm set farm set from Debbie and Tod. He loves him some barns and animals, so both gifts were perfect!

Here's a close up of me (why do I let these things happen?):

And Matt with his new football cards:

Henry opening the large farm set:

Debbie and Jack... note the look on Jack's face. lol! Think he was sleepy?

Farmer Henry:

After everyone left, Darrin and I got to play Santa. We hauled all of the gifts down stairs and finished wrapping, tagging, and bow-ing all of them, then stuck them under the tree so they were all ready for Henry, Jack, Grandma, and Grandma to open Christmas morning! There were A LOT of presents. Here is a picture... they're under the tree, behind the tree, spilling out around the tree. Presents, presents, PRESENTS!!!

I hope you're all having a wonderful Christmas! I'll be back with more pictures from Christmas day (gift opening at home and at grandma's) later this week!

Jack Frost

2008-12-17T13:05:00.003-06:00

I just thought I'd share a quick pic of Jackie in his winter get up. I found this cute little quilted, fleece lined coat for him at the Gymboree outlet, and bought the little stocking cap there as well. They don't technically match, but I loved them both so much, I had to get them. You know how it goes, right?

Once he's in the carseat, he gets a heavy fleece blanket tucked in under his legs, and then it flips up over the top of them and folds down. It's the same thing we did with Henry... in fact, it's Henry's blanket. My cousin sent it when he was born, and it has his (Henry's) name embroidered in one corner. I have to be sure to tuck that in at the bottom when I use it. hee hee. I tried to get Jack one of his own, but they (Land's End) don't make them anymore. Oh well, the hand me downs and sharing had to start sooner or later!

For the most part, Jack is content in his car seat as long as we are moving and not traveling a great distance. If we sit still too long without the car running, he gets cranky. Reeeeeally cranky. I think he'll be happier when he can face the front, but we still have a little over three months before we can even think about that. Meanwhile, I keep lugging this beast around. It must weigh a good 10 lbs empty, so we're looking at close to 40 lbs here when he's in it (he weighed 26ish at his last appt). The seat has a weight limit of 30 lbs, and I plan to use it as long as possible... for better or worse. That's what physical therapy is for. LOL. :o)

Mama's Got A Brand New 'Do

2008-12-14T09:34:00.003-06:00

I have been wanting to go back to a shorter haircut for awhile now. I thought I remembered it being easier to take care of. Turns out that really isn't true, but oh well! Anyhow, I thought I'd share a quick before and after.

Here is a picture that was taken last weekend for our Christmas cards:

And here's my new look:

I had this cut about five years ago and loved it. My stylist ended up moving to Milwaukee then, and I never found anyone else who could duplicate it correctly until now. I've been going to Shawna at Jacinda's Spa and Salon and love her. If you're in the Oshkosh area and looking for a new stylist, give her a try. I think you'll be pleased.

Deck the Halls

2008-12-08T22:13:00.003-06:00

I love this time of year. As crazy and as hectic as it is, I just love the feel of Christmas, the warmth of the holiday (despite the chill in the air!) and the feeling of peace that comes with remembering the true meaning of the day. I love to sing Christmas carols, and make Christmas cookies, and go to candlelit church services, and sit in a room where the only light is coming from a massive Christmas tree. It all makes me feel happy and cozy and content.

When I was a child, decorating for Christmas was a big deal. I can remember my mom would pick a day at random in early December and surprise me by waking me up late and telling me she had called in to tell them I wasn't coming to school that day. I was staying home so we could decorate for Christmas together. We'd listen to Christmas music all day... Elvis, The Statler Brothers, Perry Como, and Andy Williams. I still play the same music when I decorate. And just like mom, I decorate the whole house. We pack away almost all of our every day knick knacks and exchange them for Christmas-y ones. Here are some of my favorites...

We have two of these little alcoves in our living room. This year I used one to display some of my Charming Tails collection, as well as the new Peanuts stuff my mom bought me for Christmas last year (I love Snoopy!). I also collect vintage Christmas stuff, like the elf boot you see here. Lefton is one of my favorite companies. If you aren't familiar, search eBay for "vintage Lefton Christmas" and feel free to purchase anything you see and tuck it under my Christmas tree this year. ;o)

This plate was made by a former co-worker. I love the folk-y snowman, and the red background. The candleholder has been with me since childhood.

This church used to sit on my great-grandma's big console tv set every Christmas. It has a light inside, and it is beautiful the way the light shines through the stained glass windows.

Here are our stockings (don't worry, it's a fake fireplace!). Some of the gals I talk to online like to get everything matching. Not me! I like that our stockings are as unique as we are. The Disney stocking is mine (big Goofy fan), the middle one is hubby's (this is the guy who only wanted a plain gold band for a wedding ring - how fitting that he also picked a plain red stocking), and the fire truck is Henry's. I picked that for him on a whim last year, but it couldn't be more perfect! I tried to order one for Jack this year, but the only one I found that I liked was sold out, so I'll wait for next year and make sure to buy earlier...

And here is my tree. It's 9 ft., with about 12-1300 white lights on it, and a beautiful snowflake star that you can't really make out in the photo. It's filled (and I do mean FILLED) with dozens of ornaments. Some are new, some are old, some are hand made, some are plastic, some are glass, all of them have special memories that go right along with them.

Near the bottom left of this pic, you see a Scotty dog angel ornament - in memory of my friend Pepper. In the middle of the far right you'll see a Santa made from a shotgun shell (I also have a snowman!). That was made by a (different) former co-worker. I love it! The blue ornament in the middle hung on my grandma's tree when I was a kid.

The pink ornament with hearts (right side, center) was also from grandma's tree.... as is the mouse peeking over the North Pole sign just to the left of it. You can also see a Goofy ornament (one of about 10) near the bottom left.

Near the center of this pic you'll see a turquoise foil wrapped gift ornament. That's from my mom's tree when I was a kid. She had a whole set of them, and I loved them so much, so she gave them to me. Awww! Down from that you'll see a green bell from great-grandma's tree, and to the right of that, a Charlie Brown ornament that I painted when I was about 7 years old. I gave it to my great-Uncle back then (1983) and he hung it in the window on a string until two years ago when I hosted the family Christmas. He brought it with him, and hung it on my tree (Double awwwww!). I don't normally leave strings on ornaments, but that one had to stay.

Here you have a small santa bell, that was a gift from my bff when he traveled to Mexico (you soooo didn't think I kept that, did you?!), an antique ornament from great-grandma's tree in the middle, and a glittery snowman, who was a gift from a friend.

There you have it! I could have shared more, but I didn't want to overwhelm you! Maybe I'll post a few more pics over the next few weeks, if anyone is interested.

Meanwhile, enjoy the season and like the sign said in front of a church I passed today.... It's OK to say MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Chunky Monkey

2008-11-28T23:59:00.005-06:00

Check out those baby rolls! Yowza! I had to take Jack to the hospital with me awhile back because my Medela pump wasn't working correctly, and the nurse wanted to take a picture of him and make him the "poster child for nursing". LOL! She just couldn't get over how big he was (and at that time, was on breastmilk exclusively). She was calling other nurses in to look at him... it was hilarious.

I took this the other day in the middle of a clothes change. He spit up, and I had to run upstairs to get him a new outfit so I tossed him in the saucer. I had to take a picture, because it looked like he was totally nekkid! Someday, this picture will help me blackmail him into doing something for me, right? ;o) hee hee.

And yes, my toddler mommy friends, that is a box of Cruisers you see in the background. I still don't see how they are all that much better than Huggies, but diaper for diaper they are cheaper as our Target does not carry Huggies in the big boxes like they do Pampers. I'm all about a bargain.

And while I'm thinking of my toddler mom friends... Linda, these are for you ;o) :

Dear Santa

2008-11-25T23:27:00.002-06:00

We bought Henry a bunch of Thomas the Tank Engine stuff for Christmas last year. Lots of tracks, trains, accessories, etc. He was only 18 mos old, so we knew we might be jumping the gun a bit. It turned out we were right. he was pretty hard on the trains (banging, and sometimes throwing them) so we packed them all up and put them in the attic for a year. We just pulled them out this past weekend, and he loves them! Santa will be bringing him a train table and a few other odds and ends to go with the set this year. Here's a little conversation I had with Henry the other day:

Me: Henry, who comes at Christmas?
H: Sahta.
Me: Right! Santa comes at Christmas. What does he bring with him?
H: Toys!
Me: Right! Santa brings toys. Who does he bring them to?
H: You.
Me: Yep, Santa will bring You toys! Who else does he give toys to?
H: Good people. (lmao)
Me: What would you like Santa to bring you this year?
H: Woooo Wooooo!
Me: Trains?
H: Heh.
Me: What else?
H: Boots.
Me: Boots?
H: No.
Me: Books?
H: Heh.
Me: Anything else?
H: Puzzoools.
Me: Puzzles?
H: HEH!
Me: Anything else?
H: No.

:o)

Good Morning!

2008-11-24T10:01:00.002-06:00

Guess what sound I woke up to this morning? No, not a baby crying... guess again! Ok, maybe the pictures give it away, but I woke up to the sound of a snow plow running down the street! I didn't even know it was supposed to snow, so I was very surprised at the sight that greeted me when I woke up this morning. :o)

Here is the view from our dining room window:

That's technically our neighbors property (ours ends at that white fence you see at the bottom of the photo), but it's also our best view, and the evergreen trees are so pretty with snow on them.

Here is the view from the library (a.k.a. toy room):

Note that my comfy window seat has been over run by Dopey, Pooh, etc. *sigh*

How do you like my window clings? My mom says I need more. I think she might be right. They seem a little sparse.

Have a great day, and stay warm!

First Snow

2008-11-21T09:00:00.002-06:00

We had our first snow this week (well, the first one that actually stuck around a little bit). I was so excited. I've been waiting for it to snow so I could take Henry outside. I thought he'd love it, because he loves the rain. He wasn't too sure what to make of it all, but he thought it was funny when I would scoop a little up and toss it in the air so that it landed on him. :)

Here he is playing in the snow:

My good hat wearer is revolting against warmth. We've tried two or three different hats, and he wants nothing to do with any of them. He doesn't like his hood either. I do force the issue if we're going to be outside for a long time, or it's super cold (by Wisconsin standards), but this day was pretty mild so I let him get away with not wearing anything on his head.

We ended up going for a ride in the snow, and while we were out I noticed the flavor of the day at Culvers was Mint Oreo. My favorite flavor of the day is Mint Explosion, but that was close enough to lure me in. Henry and I shared a single scoop dish. He was such a cheeseball in the backseat. I had to share:

If you're reading this in a reader, be sure to click over and check out my new blog banner. I had to do a little decorating for winter with a new Rachelle Anne Miller image. :) I just love her work.

Time Spent With Friends....

2008-11-16T13:04:00.003-06:00

...is time well spent.

My "bff" Chris came to visit this weekend. We haven't seen each other in ages, so it was nice to just relax and hang out for awhile. We went out for dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, and then came back to the house to visit for awhile after the boys were asleep. We vegged, we laughed, we bitched, we caught the tail end of The Wizard of Oz on tv for no good reason (lol!). It was a good time.

I wanted some pictures for the blog, but hubby was busy doing homework in another part of the house, so we had a little photo shoot of our own. You know, the kind where you hold the camera out two feet in front of you and smile? It only took four trys to get a good picture. :)

Anyhow, I just thought I'd share.

My Heart & Soul

2008-11-14T22:48:00.003-06:00

Awwwwwwwwwwww!!!! Right? :o) I laid the blanket down on the floor tonight and laid Jack on top of it. Henry was next to him in no time. It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside, because up until the past week or two, Henry really hasn't wanted anything to do with Jack. Not in a bad way, or even in a jealous way, he just wasn't interested. I've noticed a little more interaction between them these past few weeks though, and I love it. I hope they grow up to be the best of friends. :o)

Our Little Super Hero

2008-11-09T23:05:00.002-06:00

Over the past few months, Henry has taken a liking to Spiderman. It started with a rubber Spidey ball that Grandma bought for them to play with at her house, then a little stuffed Spidey doll. A few weeks ago we went shopping, and Grandma found these jammies and slippers, and of course had to buy them. Don't tell anyone, but Henry's Grandma lovvvves to buy stuff for him. Like, insane amounts of stuff. lol.

Here are a few pictures of our little super hero:

The jammies have spider web mesh under the arms, and lights under the main image on the front that blink whenever he moves. I'm sure that must entertain him through the night if he happens to wake up. He's not too fond of wearing the slippers, but he seems to like them otherwise. I think he might actually think they're toys. :o)

2008 Holiday Parade

2008-11-08T13:25:00.003-06:00

Today was our town's annual holiday parade. It was a balmy 35 degrees out with a strong wind (coming from every direction... seriously), and a never ending rain/snow mix. In other words, it was COLD! Now, if you know me, you know I love winter. I also love snow, and it takes a lot for me to say I am cold, but I can honestly say I think I was colder this morning than I've ever been in my entire life. I think the rain was the biggest problem. Cold is one thing - cold AND wet is another ballgame entirely. We dressed for the weather (about 4-5 layers each) but it didn't seem to matter. Brrrr! We sat out there for about an hour and forty five minutes.... Double brrrr!

Here are some pictures of our morning. This is Mom and Henry waiting for the parade to start. Darrin stayed home with Jack, and Grandma said she'd watch it on tv from the warmth of her home. Smart thinkin', Grandma!

This is Henry and me, about three quarters of the way through the parade. By this point my mittens were totally saturated and I was kicking myself for not wearing those stadium mitts I have with a plastic layer between the fabric to keep wetness out. Dumb, dumb, dumb. And I love that I look like the stay puff marshmallow girl. I had so many clothes under my coat that I could barely move my arms! Henry had three layers under the coat, two pairs of mittens, a full snow suit, and a double layer fleece blanket, and he was still cold to the touch by the time we got back to the car. I thought for sure that would have kept him warm.

Here's Henry, waiting for the parade to start. He's almost too big for the stroller, but it sure comes in handy for containing him or giving him a place to sit on days like today!

We met up with Henry's godparents, Julie and Ryan, and their son Caden, while we were there (on purpose - we planned it a few days earlier). I think they were colder than we were. Ryan couldn't find his winter coat, and we're pretty sure he lost feeling in his toes about half way through. lol! You'd think with all these complaints about the cold that we would have just left, but we actually enjoyed ourselves. Ryan was sitting next to me, and we made a game out of deciding which candy was worth getting out of our semi-warm seats to retreive. :) There was candy all over the street. Usually kids are swooping in left and right to pick all of it up, but no one wanted to move this year! Finally the people started putting candy right in our laps, so we didn't have to move. lol! Here is a picture of Ryan, Julie, and Caden. Ryan's coat was totally soaked by this point:

We did bring umbrellas, but it was so windy they didn't help one bit. We were so excited when we saw Santa and the reindeer coming on their rotating sleigh, because we knew we could finally go home. Here's Santa... the sleigh platform spins slowly in a full 360, and also moves up and down. This is the second year they've had this at the end of the parade, and both times I've seen it I've thought that those reindeer would never survive if they had my motion sickness!

The marching bands were a big hit with Henry (that's my favorite part, too), as were the animals of course. There were lots of horses and dogs in the parade, and he loved it. The local animal shelter had adoptable dogs out again, and darned if two of them weren't beagles. Oye. My friend Jenn's Mom volunteers with the shelter and was walking a chocolate lab in the parade. She asked if I wanted to adopt her. I'm pretty sure she would have given her to me on the spot if I'd said yes. lol. Am I right, Jenn? ;o) I'm a sucker for the beagles though. If she'd have had one of those I probably would have taken her up on her offer!

Henry cried when it was time to leave. He wanted more "ho ho" (a.k.a. Santa). I've been home for a little over two hours now, and I'm still cold from this morning. It was a good time though, and I can't wait to go again next year. But seriously, I could reeeeally do without the rain. Cold rain is the worst!

Happy Anniversary, Mister!

2008-11-06T00:01:00.000-06:00

Today D and I celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary. Seriously, where did the time go?! It seems like it was just yesterday that we met, and I scared all of my friends to death by moving to IL the day after I decided I wasn't moving to MI (long story)! hee hee. Everything worked out though, and I've been happily married to my "mister" for nine years, and we have two beautiful boys to share our love with.

In case you're wondering, yes, I actually do refer to him as Mister on a regular basis. I don't remember how it started, but it has been his nick-name for some time, and yes, he does call me, "Mrs." from time to time as well. :o)

Here are some pictures from our big day. You'll have to excuse the quality - I can't figure out how to get the scanner to work with the laptop, so they are actually pictures of pictures. The first is of the two of us after the ceremony...

This one is me with my Uncle Donnie (can I get an "awwwww"?). He is my Mom's brother, and we have always been very close, despite living miles apart. He walked me down the aisle that day, and it meant the world to me (if you're reading this, I love you, and no matter how old either of us get you'll always be my "Uncle Donnie" .... note to readers, he's "Don" to everyone else).

This is Julie and Ryan. Julie was a bridesmaid, and Ryan was our videographer. We all went to high school together. They have since married, and are now Henry's godparents, and some of the best friends we could ever ask for. I had to include this picture for our mutual friends, because seriously, check out the hair on Ry. :o) I'm totally diggin' it. lol! In his defense, this was taken at the end of the reception (he caught the garter, she caught the bouquet) and he had been shakin' his booty on the dance floor with the rest of us a few hours by then.

Here we have serious Sarah. LOL. What's up with that expression?

Here I am with my Mom. Everyone says we look alike, but I really could never see it until I saw this picture. I love her to pieces, and can't imagine what my life would be like without her in it.

And finally, here I am with my Maid of Honor, Deb. Deb is another of my very best friends, and I was honored to have her stand beside me that day. Hey Deb... you could have this picture framed in your living room. I'm just sayin'.... ;o) hee hee.

I wish I had more to share of D and I, but the pics are all in this special album that the photographer put together, and I was afraid I was going to rip the inserts when I tried to get them out, so I stuck to the ones that were the easiest to access. Still, it gives you a glimpse of our day and our life.

Hugs,

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T14:25:00.002-05:00

Here is a super quick digi-scrapped page of our evening. :) The papers and elements are from the Express Yourself collection at The Shabby Princess, and the font is Sketchy Times. Click on the page to enlarge it and read the photo details!

And here is a personal favorite, taken last weekend while we were trick-or-treating at a local grocery store. :)

I hope everyone had a safe and happy halloween!

Big News...

2008-10-28T22:47:00.005-05:00

Ok, so, shortly after Henry was born, hubby and I invested in a new digital camera and a new video camera. We could never figure out how to upload the video's from the video camera to the computer, so we stopped using it about a year ago and just started doing short videos with the digi camera instead. I just happened to be looking at the video camera the other day and it hit me... (note that *I* am not the IT geek in the family *ahem*)... the dang thing has a port for a USB cable right on the front. How did I miss that? And I say I, because between you, me, and the fence post, I don't think hubby really gave it the old college try. ;o) You know how that goes. (Am I right, ladies? ;))

Anyhow, I'm happy to report that I now have access to all of these wonderful videos we took of Henry as a baby. I've been watching them on and off all day, getting all misty eyed at what a big boy he has become.

I thought I'd share this video with you since I haven't updated this blog lately. Darrin and I found out what the gender of our second baby would be, and decided to break it to my Mom and Grandma by signing their Thanksgiving (2007) card with both of the boy's names (this was also the first time they learned the name we had chosen). My Mom is sooo slow. LOL. It took her for.ever. to open the card (you'll notice Darrin trying to follow her with the camera... moving the dog gate, etc. lol!), and then even longer to notice. And my grandma is too funny. She is the other female voice you hear in the video.

One Outfit....

2008-10-22T23:05:00.002-05:00

....Two babies!

I thought I had a better picture of Henry in this outfit (one of my favorites - I just love the bottoms of the feet... too bad it's in Colts colors though!), but regardless, it's still a fun comparison.

Henry:

Jack:

Jack is almost 7 mos, and I think Henry was about the same age when the photo was taken. I do remember it being much looser on him though!

Halloween Fun

2008-10-21T22:31:00.003-05:00

I just thought I'd share a quick picture of some Halloween cookies I made tonight. I just took some Nutter Butter cookies, and dropped them in white chocolate, then added mini chocolate chips for eyes. I saw this idea somewhere and they suggested using licorice whips for eyes, but I don't care for licorice, so I went with these instead. When the chocolate dries, I'll break off the little pools around the edges and have some fun halloween treats for someone.

That's the funny part... I didn't even make them for anyone, I just saw the idea and thought I'd try it. I think they'd look super cute standing up in a halloween cake frosted with black frosting, don't you? Maybe I'll try that when my boys are old enough to appreciate it. Ooooo... or even in little black-frosted cupcakes! Man, could I rock a bake sale or what? lol.

Next time I'll put the points of the chocolate chips down instead of up. Some of the eyes look a little crazy on these, but you get the idea!

Ames Point

2008-10-18T16:27:00.005-05:00

I found some fun how-to's online for making frames for your photos in Photoshop Elements. I had to play a little. :) This is a picture taken of Lake Winnebago last weekend when we were out walking on Ames Point. I love the trail of the sun on the water. Not bad for a point and click, eh?

In case anyone is wondering, I did go to the podiatrist and didn't leave with any magic answers. She was convinced the swelling on my right foot was due to thyroid problems and promptly sent me to the lab to have blood drawn to prove it. Yeah, well, she was wrong. My thyroid is fine. So, back to the drawing board.... or in this case, physical therapy. It just never seems to end! Thankfully I don't have any pain with the swelling.

I hope you're enjoying the nice fall weather!

BOO!

2008-10-17T15:39:00.002-05:00

LOL! You'd think by the looks on their faces that they didn't see my standing in front of them for the last five minutes trying to get Jack to look at the camera. It's as if I just appeared in a big puff of smoke and scared the crap out of both of 'em. hee hee.

October Desktop

2008-10-16T08:00:00.001-05:00

I thought I'd share my October desktop image today. You can download a new desktop template from The Shabby Princess every month, and then just use Photoshop (or some other photo editing software) to add your pictures, save it, and voila. All kinds of cuteness for a whole month. Or, if you're like me and forget to do it until the 15th, then you only get it for a half of a month.... but I did get to enjoy September's for a month and a half. Ok, I'll stop now. :)

This image is full sized - I didn't shrink it for the web. So, if any family or friends are reading this and would like it for their own desktop, feel free to use it. All you have to do is click on the image to enlarge it, then right click and select the "Save as Desktop Image" option.

In other news, I have an appointment with the podiatrist today. Almost one year ago to the day, I was diagnosed with bursitis in one foot and tendonitis in the other. My right (tendonitis) foot has been swollen ever since. The podiatrist I saw last year said the swelling was due to my pregnancy, and that it would go away after I gave birth. Well, Jack is going on seven months old now and nothing has changed. I've been to physical therapy, but that doesn't help either. So, I'm going back. New podiatrist, new hospital, hopefully a new solution... and this time maybe it will be one that works. Because this whole bit about both feet killing you for a year straight is for the birds... especially when you're trying to keep up with a baby and a toddler. They did give me two shots of cortizone last time (one in each foot), but that only lasted so long. And really, I feel like it was just to mask the pain, not solve the problem. Think happy thoughts for a smart doctor for me, ok? :) Thanks!

I heart Photoshop

2008-10-15T16:18:00.003-05:00

Because really, where else can you turn this:

Into this:

Isn't that a cute picture? Much better than the original, if I do say so myself! I used the "Shazam" technique I learned from Jessica Sprague's blog (mentioned it a number of posts ago). I can't wait to learn more tricks, and get a new camera. Just think of the possibilities! :)

This photo was taken last weekend when we were walking out on Ames Point. It was such a beautiful day, and the fall colors were gorgeous. I have more pictures to share, but it will have to wait for another day since the boys are up from their naps!

Do you Papoo?

2008-10-14T21:55:00.003-05:00

I love Henry and his Papoo. I just had to share. :)

The Little Farmer

2008-10-13T08:00:00.000-05:00

We took the boys to The Little Farmer last weekend. Grandma likes to go every year to buy apples for her pies, and we get our pumpkins while we're there, too. They have hayrides and some animals, and a playground, but Jack isn't too keen on patience at this age, so we didn't take too much time enjoying those things. We just did our pumpkin search and found our apples and squash and called it a day. The bees were crazy that day anyhow, so no one was too upset. Well, except Henry... who thought the whole day should be spent with the goats. Go figure.

This is one of the first things I saw when I walked into the pumpkin patch. I thought it was hilarious, and had to share it with you!

Here is Henry with Grandma, near the animal area. It just occurred to me that I didn't get any pictures of the goats! *gasp* And in case you haven't noticed on previous posts, this is Henry's cheesy grin of the year.

Choosing the right pumpkin is a tricky ordeal. Some people test produce by smelling it. Some try to squeeze it, some roll it, some sit on it...

Another big draw for Henry is a water feature. ANY water feature!

Me with my little pumpkin. :o)

Henry with the Grandmas...

And where was Jack through all of this? Why, in his stroller of course! And as always, his Kammi doll was near by!

I hope you enjoyed your tour through the pumpkin patch! :)

Henry? .... HENRY!

2008-10-11T00:01:00.002-05:00

Those are pretty much the words that were being said as I rounded the corner to find this:

He was tired of Blue. He wanted to watch Charlotte's Web. Never mind the fact that I have the dvd's secured on a shelf well out of reach. Apparently a Radio Flyer car, a wobbly bassinet insert on the playpen, and a strong willed toddler trump all of that.

My Mom said, "I can't believe you ran for the camera instead of getting him out of there!" I've been trained well though haven't I, fellow SCS toddler moms? ;o)

Zoo Videos

2008-10-09T14:00:00.006-05:00

Here are some videos from our last day at the zoo. They're all short. Just some snips to give you a glimpse into Henry's little life! :)

Video 1

Video 2

Video 3

And here's a fun little something I found on a blog I read, so I had to try it. Pretty accurate, eh?!

The Recipe For Sarah

3 parts Allure
2 parts Dignity
1 part Silliness

Splash of Boldness

Finish off with a squeeze of lime juice

What's the Recipe for Your Personality?

Mama's In The Kitchen!

2008-10-08T22:41:00.003-05:00

I chat online with a group of moms, and one of those moms has been a terrible influence on me. She's always cooking something in her crock pot, and I finally caved and decided I should try it too. :o) Isn't that awful?! I actually made a Beef Stroganoff earlier this week, but I want to tweak that recipe a bit before I share it. Tonight I made french dip sandwiches, and they really couldn't have been easier. I *heart* french dip sandwiches! I can never get enough! NEVER! Hubby even enjoyed these. He said they were as good as the cheesy beef sandwiches we get at Portillo's when we go to Chicago, but I think he was being a tad generous there. I mean, they were tastey, but I don't know that ANYTHING can top Portillo's!!

Slow Cooker French Dip Sandwiches

2-3 lb Beef Rump Roast
2 cans Campbell's Beef Consomme
Salt and Pepper (to taste)
Mozzerella Cheese
Butter
Hoagie or Sub Buns

Place roast in slow cooker and cover with both cans of consomme. Add salt and pepper to taste. Cook on low 8-10 hours. Remove roast from slow cooker, and pull apart with fork. Save juice for dipping. Slice and butter buns, place on cookie sheet and broil on low until they've reached desired crispiness. Remove bun tops, and add beef to bun bottoms, then cover with two slices of cheese and return to broiler to melt. If you've never broiled things like this before, please notet that they go FAST! I stand right at the oven with my eye on it the entire time to make sure it doesn't burn. Once the cheese is melted, you're good to go! Yum city!

Then, after dinner, I decided to make some banana bread...

For those who aren't aware, I love Goofy. I used to collect all things Goofy, but have cut back substantially on my purchases in the last few years. Hubby bought me this kitchen timer for Christmas last year though, and I just love it! I had to get it in the picture. :)

For the banana bread, I used this recipe. The only changes I made were that I used two large bananas (not sure if that was more or less than what was recommended, but it worked), and added about a cup of semi-sweet chocolate chips. :o)

If you decide to try either recipe, let me know!

The things kids say, part 1

2008-10-06T15:49:00.004-05:00

Somewhere along the line, Henry became "You". Here are a few recent conversations:

Me: Who put your socks behind the crib?
H: You.
Me: You did?
H: heh.

Me: Who's Mama's bug?
H: You!

You get the picture. So, I've been trying to teach him his name... his real name. Here is the conversation that took place last night:

Me: What's your name, honey?
H: You.
Me: No, your name is Henry.
H: Heh.
Me: Can you say Henry?
H: No. (lol!)
Me: Can you say Hen?
H: Hen.
Me: Ree?
H: Ree.
Me: Henry?
H: You.

Oye. Back to the drawing board. ;o)

Oh, Bee!

2008-10-04T21:53:00.002-05:00

I think I've mentioned before that Henry's name for Jack is "Bee". It's short for baby, and he's been using it almost as long as Jack has been alive. Now we all use it from time to time. It makes me smile, because my middle initial is B., and I have long been known as Sarah B. to family and friends, as well as Sairabee to my online friends. My nick-name for Henry is Bug, so now I have a Bee and a Bug to love. :)

The other day, I was loading Jack into the van and said, "Oh, Jack!" under the sheer weight of it all. Henry was standing next to me and started saying, "Oh, Bee!" over and over again. It was adorable. Whenever Jack spits up, or gets his hands on something he shouldn't have, or what have you, Henry is right there saying, "Oh, Bee!"

I thought it was a fitting title for this post. This is Jack's first meal of prunes. He loved them (as does his Papa.... *blech*)! Jack is a messy eater. We rarely ever had any food go out of Henry's mouth when we were feeding him (and we started him two months earlier than Jack!), but Jack is a different story. As soon as I put it in, he pushes most of it out, so I'm constantly at his face with the spoon trying to recover what I can before it gets on his clothes. You'd almost think I'd use one of our sixty gajillion bibs, wouldn't you? Maybe next time I'll remember to do that. Doh.

Oh, that's another thing. Henry says, "Doh!" now too. I wonder where he picked that up? ;)

Goodbye Zoo!

2008-10-03T13:38:00.003-05:00

I just wanted to share a quick Smilebox of our last day at the zoo. The photos were actually taken over two separate trips - one with Jack, one without. We only go on the rides when we are without Jack. And it was an overcast day, so the pictures are a little dark. Sorry. I could have brightened them in photoshop, but there were a lot and I was feeling overwhelmed. They still are ok though, so don't worry! :)

I'll have another post in a day or two with some videos as well.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

My Little Butterball

2008-09-28T08:34:00.004-05:00

I haven't posted here in awhile, so I thought I'd better share something! Here is a picture of Jack taken a few weeks ago. He loves to sit on the couch with his big brother. If I prop him up right, he'll be content there quite awhile. Despite the sleeping issues, I really am blessed to have such well behaved and (generally ;o) ) content kiddo's!

What I Know Today

Our Very Own Elf On The Shelf

A Day In The North Woods

Working It Out

Sidetracked

Heaven Is For Real

A Trip To The Zoo

Henry's Fifth Birthday

A Mother's Day Wish From Heaven

Party Like A Jedi

Joy! Joy! Joy?

Love and Laughter

A Message To Heaven

Top Ten Christmas Movies

To Write Love On Her Arms

There Is No Power In Intention

November Mourning

My I Love You

Walk For Hope

reflecting

Happy Birthday, Sweet Boy

packer backer in training

three mothers, four generations

my mom is a survivor

pearls make the man

i am not alone

the weight of grief

Sooo...

Are you scared?

The Legend of the Dragonfly

Henry's Memorial

My Sweet Angel

Jack's First Haircut

Copper Falls

The Hobbies of Henry

At Seventeen Months...

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom

2009 County Fair

Splish Splash!

Happy Birthday, Henry!

Happy Birthday, Grandma!

They're baa-aaaack...

Goal #1

What Big Brother Doesn't Know....

Ice Shoves

It's Bee's Birtay!

Happy Birthday, Grandma!

Nekkid Bebe!

Down Time

What do you see?

No, Mama...

*Sigh*

Army Crawl

Halfway There

Your crib or mine?

Bath Time!

A few pictures...

It's Always Something...

Those were the days...

Lunch

Jack in a Basket

Ho Ho Ho!

Pretty Pretty Princess

Christmas Day 2008

Christmas Eve 2008

Jack Frost

Mama's Got A Brand New 'Do

Deck the Halls

Chunky Monkey

Dear Santa

Good Morning!

First Snow

Time Spent With Friends....

My Heart & Soul

Our Little Super Hero

2008 Holiday Parade

Happy Anniversary, Mister!

Happy Halloween!

Big News...

One Outfit....

Sigh

I heart Photoshop